LOCKDOWN has been tough on selfish dicks, but that’s about to change. Here Norman Steele explains how he will be enjoying his new freedoms.
No more table service in pubs: twats first at the bar
Now we can go back to the good old system in which I barge my way to the bar and brandish a credit card while making impatient noises. Then I’ll put in a massive order with loads of questions and changes that keeps everyone else waiting for 15 minutes.
I will use common sense about when and where I can spray my mucus
For too long I have felt my mucus has been cancelled at the Post Office, on the bus and train. It’s like you can’t say or cough anything these days. No more. Thanks to Boris Johnson I am at last unmasked and can spray my oral output freely.
I won’t have to do my bollocks management job from home
I need to be on a crowded train in rush hour, shouting into my phone at Roger, Kimberley and the rest of my colleagues. If that causes infection we’re going to have to take it on the chin because important sales managers like me must be allowed to operate freely. If the bodies pile high so be it.
Unmasked, I can reveal myself for what I truly am – a total cock
All this talk of ‘thinking of others’ is a form of fascism. But we shall no longer be muzzled by a thin blue layer of disposable fabric. I can finally be myself again – an inconsiderate, disease-carrying, spluttering dickhead.