How to exercise your right to be a selfish dick in public places

LOCKDOWN has been tough on selfish dicks, but that’s about to change. Here Norman Steele explains how he will be enjoying his new freedoms.  

No more table service in pubs: twats first at the bar

Now we can go back to the good old system in which I barge my way to the bar and brandish a credit card while making impatient noises. Then I’ll put in a massive order with loads of questions and changes that keeps everyone else waiting for 15 minutes.

I will use common sense about when and where I can spray my mucus

For too long I have felt my mucus has been cancelled at the Post Office, on the bus and train. It’s like you can’t say or cough anything these days. No more. Thanks to Boris Johnson I am at last unmasked and can spray my oral output freely.

I won’t have to do my bollocks management job from home

I need to be on a crowded train in rush hour, shouting into my phone at Roger, Kimberley and the rest of my colleagues. If that causes infection we’re going to have to take it on the chin because important sales managers like me must be allowed to operate freely. If the bodies pile high so be it.

Unmasked, I can reveal myself for what I truly am – a total cock

All this talk of ‘thinking of others’ is a form of fascism. But we shall no longer be muzzled by a thin blue layer of disposable fabric. I can finally be myself again – an inconsiderate, disease-carrying, spluttering dickhead.

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How to come down gently off England's win last night

ARE you still dangerously high on England’s latest victory over Denmark? It can’t last, particularly when we play Italy, so here’s how to beat your addiction before it gets out of control. 

Gradually reduce your England consumption

Reduce how much England coverage you watch, and try talking about something other than the Euros. You won’t get the same buzz from droning on about your job or tedious personal problems, but you need to do it before English football takes over your life.

Find a substitute high

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of England actually winning some football for once, but it can’t last forever. Try drinking heavily to recreate the high, or take drugs – the stronger and more illegal the better. If that doesn’t work, become addicted to Wimbledon.

Realise you can’t beat it alone

As with a drink or drug addiction, support is important. Visit a counsellor who really doesn’t give a shit about football, or spend time with a sports-averse friend whose eyes glaze over when you explain why Jordan Pickford is one of the greatest goalkeepers of all time.

Develop other interests

Without England football games there will be a huge hole in your life you need to fill. Start obsessively going to the gym, or get really into something strange like competitive carp fishing or born-again Christianity. If you have a partner they may leave you because you’ve become a weirdo, but that’s the price you have to pay.

Set up England Addicts Anonymous

There are other people out there addicted to England wins, so start a therapy group. Sitting in a circle discussing Gareth Southgate’s best formation changes will make you realise you are not alone.