FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.
Stand awkwardly like a shop mannequin
If you’re a Tory politician you’ll already be an old hand at standing like a freak. Legs spread wider than your shoulders, you know the drill. Football matches require a different sort of awkwardness though, so blend in with the hoi polloi by putting your hands on your hips with all the grace of a dummy in a New Look window.
Fundamentally misunderstand clothes
To truly look as weird as I did last night you need to misunderstand clothes at a fundamental level. I’ve dedicated my whole life to being baffled by clothing, which is why I always look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and thought that my office clobber was suitable attire for my wedding.
Wear it over your normal clothes
Take a look around you. Is anyone else in a stadium filled with thousands of people wearing their England shirt on top of a shirt and tie? No, because it looks absolutely bloody ridiculous. Even the fans wearing face paint and England themed novelty clown wigs will sneer at your tasteless display of support.
Put it on sort of backwards
Was I wearing it back to front, or does clothing just look inherently weird on my body? It’s hard to tell. The logo was in the right place, and my name was on the back as it should be, but the collar looks too high up. Any normal person would covertly check the label just to be sure, so don’t do that if you’re trying to look like me.
Get one of those personalised shirts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is a bit twatty even when ordinary people do it, but if you’re the leader of the country it just looks arrogant. Especially if you’ve previously failed to condemn people booing the team you’re apparently supporting. It’s almost as if you’re actually trying to score cheap political points as your party haemorrhages voters.