They offer you instant coffee, and other ways to tell the in-laws think you're common

DO your in-laws think you’re too common for their beloved offspring? Here are some subtle ways they’ll let you know.

They give you instant coffee

Although they’re definitely the type of people who have an Oliver Bonas cafetiere, it’s hidden away in a cupboard when you come round in case you break it with your common, oafish hands. You get a mug full of Kenco because it’s all your unrefined palette deserves.

They take you for Sunday lunch at a Harvester

Your partner’s parents’ ideal spot for Sunday lunch is a discreet little Michelin-starred farm-to-table restaurant in a nearby village. They’re not wasting that on you though, so they’ll grit their teeth through a Harvester Sunday dinner because they think you’ll find the salad bar sophisticated.

They’re weirdly interested in where you went to university

They can no longer judge people based on whether they went to university or not as they’ll let any pleb in nowadays. Instead they’ll ask endless questions to reassure themselves you went to Oxford University rather than Oxford Brookes and then look down on you anyway when they discover you got there from a state comprehensive school.

They shop at Aldi when you come for Christmas

The first time you came for Christmas you were served a Heston Blumenthal sherry and balsamic vinegar figgy pudding. However, once your partner’s parents learned you’d spent every summer holiday in a static caravan in Ilfracombe, all you got was a slice of Aldi arctic roulade and a satsuma.

They try to dissuade you from marrying their child

Every parent enjoys embarrassing their child in front of their partner to a certain extent, but when they insist on telling you the most hideous and unattractive stories they can think of, be concerned. It’s not because they enjoy laughing at their progeny, but because they can’t bear to think of them breeding with a dirty prole like you.

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Team of multi-ethnic wokery winning the f**k out of shit

A MULTI-ETHNIC team descended from immigrants who take the knee at every game are winning the absolute f**k out of this, it has emerged. 

The England team, all but three of whom are the children or grandchildren of immigrants, are equally committed to social justice and smashing the shit out of rival national teams out there on the pitch.

Gareth Southgate said: “The lads are living proof that a bunch of Marxist millionaires straight from the Daily Mail’s nightmares are patriots who truly represent this country.

“Look at Sterling, with his so-called gangster gun tattoo on his leg. He loves England more than you and three goals and one assist proves it.

“Or Rashford, who spent the pandemic close season standing up against the Tory for children in poverty. He’s going out there and kicking arse. Laurence Fox? Doing f**k all.

“At the next game, we’re going to be taking the knee in support of the Black Lives Matter movement in front of the entire world and the Queen. It’s everything you despise about deluded millennial snowflakes. In the f**king final.”