England fans leaving work at lunchtime regardless

ENGLAND fans have agreed it is necessary to leave work at lunch in order to catch the game at 8pm. 

Work will end at around 12.30pm in order to get a solid seven hours’ boozing, fretting and speculating in before tonight’s life-changing event.

Nathan Muir of Cheltenham said: “Usually games like this are in Brazil or somewhere so they’re on at 3pm. It’s hardly my fault this one isn’t.

“I need to get my game head on, and an important part of that is leaving work early like I did for all those other key England games. If I don’t do that they might lose, like they did the other times.

“There simply isn’t time to pace my drinking if I’m only home by five. I’ll rush it and end up blacking out at half-time. This can’t be England-Brazil 2002 all over again.

“And if you need to get a table nailed down in front of a pub then no way can you stay in the office past 1pm. That should count as compassionate leave.”

Muir’s boss Eleanor Shaw said: “What work would the useless f**kers realistically do anyway? Exactly.”

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We can hear you through the telly, England team confirm

THE England team has reminded viewers ahead of tonight’s match that they hear every word of the support and advice screamed at your TV. 

Harry Maguire confirmed that every time a fan screams ‘make a through pass you useless f**k’ at their television, the team receives the message loud and clear and endeavors to follow their instructions.

He continued: “Everyone thinks we’ve got this far because we’re staying humble and taking it one game at a time. Nah. We’re just putting the fans’ hollered advice into action.

“I only scored against Ukraine because Tom Logan of Plymouth screeched ‘take a shot you useless f**king cock’ into his 55” OLED, and I obeyed. If he hadn’t I probably would’ve passed it back to Sterling, like a coward.”

Manager Gareth Southgate agreed: “I feel like a bit of a fraud to be honest. During every pre-match huddle I just ask the boys to keep their ears open and do as the baying public orders.

“Everyone thinks I’m some sort of modest genius but I haven’t got a clue really. So please, I’m begging you, roar your inexperienced suggestions at your TV sets this evening. We’re relying on you.”