The Love Island contestant’s guide to not being unbelievably stupid

ARE you a Love Island contestant worried that you’ll become a meme by saying something jaw-droppingly thick? Here are some basic things you should know about.

Politics

Britain’s prime minister is currently a woman called Theresa May. The prime minister is NOT the first vaguely political person that pops into your head, eg Nigel Farage, Huw Edwards or Nelson Mandela.

Animals 

Dogs do not understand your feelings. Teddy bears are not a real species. Animals cannot talk, not even meerkats. There is no point in having a plan to kill all the sharks because they are not evil.

Philosophy 

Philosophy deals with concepts such as the nature of knowledge and whether there can be non-subjective moral values. Your fellow contestants are not being ‘philosophical’ if they say ‘Makes you think, how big the sea is, innit?’

Brexit

It’s understandable if you know nothing about Brexit because it would be a waste of valuable gym time. However try not to reveal your staggering ignorance by saying ‘Germany’s not in Europe mate. It’s next to Japan.’

Literature

Not something to worry about. You are unlikely to be pilloried by an ITV2 audience if all you’ve read since your GCSEs is Twenty Ways to Pro Biceps or The Paleo Boiled Egg Diet. 

General bullshit you believe

Maybe keep quiet about some of your fundamental beliefs. You may well be a kind person, but it is not because you are a Pisces. You are not genetically lucky even if you and your dad have both won £60 on the lottery. ‘Keeping it real’ is not actually a thing.