The Mail Online sidebar: Who the f**k are these people?

ARE you frequently baffled by the ‘celebrities’ in the Daily Mail showbiz sidebar? Use our guide to identify them and find out what category of pointless celeb they fall into.

Someone off an American TV show you haven’t seen, nor would want to 

Examples: Farrah Abraham, Honey Boo Boo, Lisa Vanderpump

Usually from absolute toss you don’t watch, with titles like Housewives of the Hamptons or Real Estate Mom Child Beauty Queen Pageant. Your ignorance is not something to be ashamed of.

Obscure reality TV star 

Examples: Alexandra Cane, Chloe Ferry, James Lock

Frequently Love Island simpletons, some of these are so obscure they make Binky Felstead look like Marilyn Monroe. If you’re not sure who Binky Felstead is, well done. 

Child of someone actually famous

Examples: Ireland Baldwin, Chloe Madeley, Damien Hurley

Okay, the surname is a giveaway, but if you can name any film Alec Baldwin’s daughter has been in you’ll easily win any pub trivia quiz in the land. A bonus point if you can describe what Damien Hurley actually does, except take pictures of his mum’s tits.

Obscure soap stars

Examples: Jeremy Edwards, Kacey Ainsworth, Jennifer Ellison

They may have had a short stint on Hollyoaks, or you’d just forgotten about Little Mo and Trevor on Eastenders in 2002. This does not stop the Mail snapping up paparazzi photos of them doing fascinating things like buying some milk from Londis. 

Music artist you’re not into

Examples: Lizzo, Machine Gun Kelly, Rich the Kid

Unless you are into the US rap/R&B scene, you won’t be familiar with their work. Maybe you’re missing out, but it’s more likely the Mail just wants the international clicks. Lil Wayne’s cough syrup abuse is pretty funny though, because it’s like getting high on Junior Disprin.

Some model or other

Examples: Ashley Graham, Emily Ratajkowski, Alessandra Ambrosio

Probably unfair to include her out of the ‘Blurred Lines’ video, but dancing mostly naked with Robin Thicke isn’t an achievement quite up there with Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason.

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'Pat her on the head rather than the arse': Boris Johnson's guide to ending casual sexism

I’VE decided it’s time for the UK to address casual, everyday sexism despite having an appalling record with it myself. Here’s my guide to not upsetting the totty. I mean, women.

Pat her on the head, rather than the bum

I once advised a colleague, in print, to pat another colleague ‘on the bottom and send her on her way’. I wouldn’t recommend it anymore as the ladies get hysterical over it nowadays. Instead I suggest a pat on the head, which is highly patronising without being actual assault. 

Don’t mention breasts, however much you want to

I once told voters that ‘voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts’, which neatly reduces women to being mere chattel and sex objects whilst making me look like a red-blooded male. Can’t say that sort of thing anymore, but it doesn’t stop me thinking it. Phwoar, boobs!

Remember that ‘fickle totty’ is not a compliment

Back when I was a lowly reporter I described women at a Labour Party conference as ‘totty’ who were ‘fickle’. Bloody hilarious if you ask me, but I couldn’t say it now without being savaged by the woke feminazis. I mean, reprimanded by highly respected female acquaintances.

Don’t presume the only reason women go to uni is to find a husband

I got slapped down for saying this when I was Mayor of London in 2013, so it’s not like I can even claim I was being a youthful idiot. Anyway, apparently women go to university to learn things, presumably advanced domestic cookery and how to make cushion covers.

Don’t use ‘girly swot’ as an insult

It turns out that calling a man a name which denigrates women is sexist. Who knew? Not me. I don’t really give a toss about any of this nonsense but I have to say it or these bloody women get annoyed as if it’s their time of the month, right, chaps?