Monday, 19th April 2021

The Mail Online sidebar: Who the f**k are these people?

ARE you frequently baffled by the ‘celebrities’ in the Daily Mail showbiz sidebar? Use our guide to identify them and find out what category of pointless celeb they fall into.

Someone off an American TV show you haven’t seen, nor would want to 

Examples: Farrah Abraham, Honey Boo Boo, Lisa Vanderpump

Usually from absolute toss you don’t watch, with titles like Housewives of the Hamptons or Real Estate Mom Child Beauty Queen Pageant. Your ignorance is not something to be ashamed of.

Obscure reality TV star 

Examples: Alexandra Cane, Chloe Ferry, James Lock

Frequently Love Island simpletons, some of these are so obscure they make Binky Felstead look like Marilyn Monroe. If you’re not sure who Binky Felstead is, well done. 

Child of someone actually famous

Examples: Ireland Baldwin, Chloe Madeley, Damien Hurley

Okay, the surname is a giveaway, but if you can name any film Alec Baldwin’s daughter has been in you’ll easily win any pub trivia quiz in the land. A bonus point if you can describe what Damien Hurley actually does, except take pictures of his mum’s tits.

Obscure soap stars

Examples: Jeremy Edwards, Kacey Ainsworth, Jennifer Ellison

They may have had a short stint on Hollyoaks, or you’d just forgotten about Little Mo and Trevor on Eastenders in 2002. This does not stop the Mail snapping up paparazzi photos of them doing fascinating things like buying some milk from Londis. 

Music artist you’re not into

Examples: Lizzo, Machine Gun Kelly, Rich the Kid

Unless you are into the US rap/R&B scene, you won’t be familiar with their work. Maybe you’re missing out, but it’s more likely the Mail just wants the international clicks. Lil Wayne’s cough syrup abuse is pretty funny though, because it’s like getting high on Junior Disprin.

Some model or other

Examples: Ashley Graham, Emily Ratajkowski, Alessandra Ambrosio

Probably unfair to include her out of the ‘Blurred Lines’ video, but dancing mostly naked with Robin Thicke isn’t an achievement quite up there with Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason.