EXCITED by the latest much-hyped show on Netflix or Amazon? Here’s how you’ll gradually regret getting sucked into it.
Gripping first episode
The first episode will open with something thrilling: a terrifying abduction, parallel universe or massive battle. I must watch this, you think, wrongly. It’s just where the producers have chosen to spend lots of their budget to get their hooks into you.
Slightly dull second episode
You’ve got the beers and pizza in, and episode 2 is okay but not quite as thrilling. It will, however, end on a cliffhanger, so you’re still onboard, you naive fool.
Shite expository episode
Whether it’s Nazis taking over the United States or some historical evil emerging again in a Mid West town, the makers of the series will take time to spell out what happened in case thick viewers get confused and turn off.
Mid-season shocking episode
A secondary character will die. Ideally in a shocking way, eg. their head explodes or they boil to death in a vat of glue. You’re not that bothered, frankly, but there’s loads of social media buzz and the Guardian will have a blog about it.
At least four episodes of boring character background
Now the story is well underway and you’re signed in, the writers can take their collective foot off the pedal. There’ll be endless scenes of people chatting or describing their childhood. You could skip these, but something important might happen. It won’t.
Action-packed last episode
After nine increasingly boring episodes the show becomes exciting again. However you’re now so f**ked off with it you’ve been switching to YouTube to have a good laugh at skateboarders crushing their testicles.
Inconclusive ending designed to set up a second season
The need for a lucrative second season will be pretty blatant, eg. a character saying ‘There may be other underground laboratories out there.’ And as a rule of thumb, if a character does not clearly die, they are coming back in season 2.