IF the first record you bought was the Undertones you still probably show off about it. But it wasn’t. It was one of these horrors you prefer to keep quiet about.
Living Doll by Cliff Richard and The Young Ones
Mostly the Young Ones arsing about over Cliff’s incredibly dated hit, so neither listenable nor comedy gold. What’s embarrassing is that you thought it was utterly hilarious. Pity your poor parents as you played it for the 12th time while laughing like a madman.
Take My Breath Away, by Berlin
Not truly awful, but film soundtracks are for deeply unadventurous people who aren’t into music and like to know exactly what they’re getting, like only eating at McDonalds. That was you.
Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden
The most juvenile band ever, with their weirdly pretentious lyrics and boring riffing. Even more embarrassing if you thought your C&A denim jacket made you a dangerous rock rebel as you prowled the mean streets of Knutsford.
Something naff by Queen
Which is plenty to choose from. ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’, ‘I Want to Break Free’, ‘One Vision’ – actually all of them. Queen were unique, but only because other bands didn’t produce a confusing mix of camp cod-opera, novelty songs and ‘serious’ rock about the machines taking over.
Barcelona by Freddie Mercury and Montserrat Caballe
Freddie again, here sounding as if he’s being strangled as he tries to match a professional opera singer. You don’t like opera, so why did you buy this? You have no idea, except it was on the telly, you sheep.
Top BBC Themes, Volume Whatever
Again, for people who feel they should own music but can’t be bothered to explore it. At least no one can accuse you of being a trendy fashion victim if you’re rocking out to All Creatures Great and Small.
Mull of Kintyre by Paul McCartney
Sentimental dirge with shite lyrics: ‘Far have I travelled and much have I seen’ etc. An unpleasant reminder that as a child you had no musical taste but relentlessly pestered your parents to buy you all sorts of rubbish.