Man can't carry off saying 'bruv'

A MAN who addresses other men by calling them ‘bruv’ has not got the required personal characteristics to carry it off.

Martin Bishop recently started referring to male friends, colleagues and bus drivers as ‘bruv’, all of whom agree that the word sounds completely ridiculous coming out of his mouth.

Friend Steve Malley said: “At first I thought he was doing an ironic impersonation of a south London car mechanic so I laughed along. Now I’m worried I might have encouraged him.

“Martin has a West Country accent but is quite well-spoken, so even ‘mate’ jars when he drops it into conversation. Like if anyone born after Shakespearean times were to say ‘forsooth’.

“I don’t think ‘bruv’ counts as cultural appropriation because they do it on Eastenders, so at least that’s not problematic. He just sounds like an utter bellend and nobody wants to hang around with him anymore.”

Bishop said: “Everyone visibly winces whenever I call them bruv and slap my fingers at them. Maybe it would be more appropriate if I called them ‘blud’ or ‘homie’ and said ‘brap brap’ in the future.”

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Your home, and other things to sell to afford the cost of living

STRUGGLING to make ends meet? Beat the rising cost of living by selling off these frivolous luxuries for cash.

Your treasured possessions

Sticking stuff on eBay is a quick way to make a bit of extra money. Sadly though, emotional value is worthless to potential buyers, so that jumper your late grandma knitted for you won’t sell for more than the postage fee. Try your wife’s wedding ring instead. No need to mention it to her.

Your home

A house is just a load of bricks and mortar where you eat, sleep and have countless happy memories. By selling it you can raise hundreds of thousands of pounds and start living like a king. Caviar for breakfast? Wild cocaine parties? It’s all a reality now. Admittedly you’ll have to kip under a bridge in a sleeping bag, but you’ll be able to afford a fancy North Face one.

Your organs

The kidney market is weak because everyone knows they can get by with one, so sell something else. You surely can’t need both a small and large intestine, so chuck one on the black market. You probably don’t need lungs either if you’re not into exercise.

Your family

You’re always moaning about how annoying your family is, so why not sell them into slavery? If you’ve got a large brood flog them wholesale to the highest bidder and cut down on shipping costs. Plus you won’t have to spend another irritating Christmas with them. There is literally no downside to this.

Your dignity

Once you’ve sold off the above, all you’ll have left to exploit is your sense of worth. You might be doing this already with a soul-destroying job, but there’s always room for improvement. Think about making unboxing videos to wring every last penny out of your dignity.