The unmissable cultural events you'll miss in 2022

A VIBRANT, thrilling programme of theatre, art and contemporary dance events are scheduled for this year. Here’s why you’ll miss them: 

Sunday in the Park with George, starring Jake Gyllenhaal

Much-anticipated Sondheim revival that there is no way in hell you will get tickets for, even if you’re up at 6am when they’re released poised on six laptops with the necessary £800 to hand. It won’t happen so don’t try.

Francis Bacon at the Royal Academy

You will definitely mean to see this whenever you see the posters. But when you turn up two days before it closes you’ll discover there are no tickets left, which is bollocks because who ever heard of an art gallery selling out? They’re hardly Jake Gyllenhaal.

Julien Baker at the Electric Ballroom, Camden

Your mate’s got a spare ticket for this and you enthusiastically agree when offered, even though you’ve not really heard of Julien whatever. But that was before you found out it was on a Wednesday night. A gig on a school night? What’s the point? You ghost your mate’s texts.

Petite Maman

Award-winning French film about coping with loss that you’ll invite a date to, in order to look highbrow and classy. However the date goes so well that you both admit you’d much rather watch Legally Blonde 3 while eating nachos, so you do that instead.

Any events in Coventry, City of Culture 2022

Who do they think is going all the way to bloody Coventry for some cultural crap? Nobody.

The Overstory on Netflix

Now this is at least possible. A cultural event that you can take in while making no effort whatsoever from the comfort of your own bed. You’re definitely up for this one. Until you hear it’s an eco-epic about nine Americans who have unique experiences with trees, and don’t bother.

A massive fight on your road between three different sets of neighbours

The arts event of the year kicks off at 8pm on June 3rd when a three-way love triangle that began in a hot tub on New Year’s Eve is revealed. Paint is poured over cars, windows broken, women held back from gouging each other and the police are called. The best night’s entertainment of the year. And do arts critics mention it? No. Snobs.

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Six inspiring female entrepreneurs to make you feel shit about yourself

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers:

The tenacious blonde

A wonderwoman next to whom you’re a dithering twat because, unlike you, she never gives up or compromises. Or sleeps. You too could have her life, if only you had the commitment to give up your entire life and never set foot outside the office ever again, loser.

The attractive brunette

This powerhouse’s multi-million business doesn’t have anything to do with sport – it’s some web payment bollocks – but she’s hopelessly toned to boot. When will you be able to show off your midriff in your LinkedIn profile picture? And when will you earn £20K?

The red-headed supermum

No podcasts for this mama and no nap time – this entrepreneurial winner pushed through all the obstacles and took her artisanal waffle business to the top with a baby on each tit and zero hours sleep. You’ve just had a repayment gas meter installed.

The short-haired one who beat the odds

Rose from absolutely shit-all to become top of a top, top company. You, with your stable parents and redbrick university and white privilege have only managed a middle management job at your old school, the one you swore you’d never set foot in again.

The feisty blue-haired one

Know how you always take no for an answer? No to a pay rise, no to your own office, no to a delineated space in the communal fridge. Well, if only you’d had the balls of this woman and dared to be feisty in spirit and hair, maybe you’d be driving a Bentley.

The slightly older one who had a dream

Telling you your dreams can come because hers did, which is like a lottery-winner saying ‘I won so you can too.’ Anyway, what about the people who don’t have any dreams? What about if you really wanted to be a designer, but gave up after half an afternoon of trying? You’re proof she’s full of crap. And yet she’s the one with the private jet.