Theresa May thinks Kate Bush is shit


THERESA May has thanked Kate Bush for her kind words but regrets she cannot return them because Bush’s music is ‘hippy crap’. 

After Bush described her as ‘wonderful’, the prime minister said she was delighted to receive support from a respected artist but she only wished it was one who did not swish around in the woods like a demented sex nymph.

She continued: “It is heartening to be praised by one of the creative community, ordinarily tediously left-wing, but sadly I have a passing familiarity with Mrs Bush’s work and it is unmitigated drivel.

“A damper collection of dope-smoking saucer-eyed warbling one cannot imagine. It makes me itch to bring back witch trials.

“If, in my English Lit O-level class, a girl summed up Wuthering Heights as ‘Heathcliff, let me in at your window’ we’d know jolly well she’d only skimmed the first three chapters.”

She added: “I only own one CD, it is of romantic and patriotic songs sung by a pair of soldiers called ‘Robson & Jerome’. I listen to it in the car sometimes. It is very good.”




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Smoker stops fannying about with ridiculous 'vaping'

A SMOKER has stopped messing around with ‘e-cigarettes’ and gone back to the real thing.

32-year-old Nikki Hollis admits she wasted three years of her smoking life by fiddling about with fruit-flavoured mist.

She said: “I bought an expensive vape and learned to distinguish between ‘Funky Melon’ and ‘Midnight Cherry’ flavours, but I was living a lie. You can’t smoke liquid, the very idea is insane.

“Being back on the fags feels like coming home. I’m back up to 30 a day now, including one as soon as I wake up.

“There’s no way lung disease will get me before the actions of Donald Trump do.”

She added: “After such a long break, the day’s first fag actually gives me a ‘body buzz’ again. Remember that? It’s a wonderful, dizzy feeling.”