BRITAIN is eagerly waiting for whatever the fuck it bought yesterday to arrive.
Consumer goods bought over ‘Cyber Monday’ will begin arriving from this morning, surprising shoppers who remember only that these items were incredible bargains.
Account manager Donna Sheridan said: “New packages arrive hourly, the contents of each a mystery.
“From 8am Friday I had at least 18 tabs open at any one time, and I was usually at checkout stage on at least one of them.
“I dimly remember thumbing my credit card number into my phone while in traffic on the A34 at some point. I don’t remember what for but at the time I felt strongly that it would complete me as a person.
“There are so many cardboard boxes stacked outside my house it resembles an alleyway in Starsky & Hutch.”