Britain ready to find out what the f**k it bought yesterday

BRITAIN is eagerly waiting for whatever the fuck it bought yesterday to arrive. 

Consumer goods bought over ‘Cyber Monday’ will begin arriving from this morning, surprising shoppers who remember only that these items were incredible bargains. 

Account manager Donna Sheridan said: “New packages arrive hourly, the contents of each a mystery. 

“From 8am Friday I had at least 18 tabs open at any one time, and I was usually at checkout stage on at least one of them. 

“I dimly remember thumbing my credit card number into my phone while in traffic on the A34 at some point. I don’t remember what for but at the time I felt strongly that it would complete me as a person.

“There are so many cardboard boxes stacked outside my house it resembles an alleyway in Starsky & Hutch.” 

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EU amazed that Brexit plan covers whole side of A4

EUROPEAN Union officials are astonished that Britain’s Brexit plan goes all the way to the bottom of an A4 page. 

A photograph taken of Brexit notes has shocked EU negotiators by displaying full sentences and appearing to have a rudimentary grasp of the subject. 

EU official Hans-Jurgen Wecker admitted: “This has changed our entire approach. We were planning to just use interns for the negotiations, but now we are at least sending a junior to supervise. 

“A full page without, as far as we can see, any doodles of abstract patterns in the margins is a level of seriousness beyond anything we have seen thus far from Britain, and three to four levels beyond your foreign secretary. 

“There are even rumours that the notes continue onto a second page and contain some mathematical workings-out. Who knew the people behind ‘Brexit means Brexit’ were capable of this?”

Wecker added: “‘Have your cake and eat it’, we know. This is an English-language idiom which we believe translates to asking for everything but ending with nothing at all.”