Tickets on the door only, rules Ticketmaster

TICKETMASTER has closed its secondary resales websites and its main website, announcing that from now on the only way to get in is to queue at the door. 

The current system of purchasing tickets in advance on the internet, which is open to abuse, will be replaced by a door crew of four and a trestle table. 

A spokesman said: “If you’re one of the 20,000 coming to see the Arctic Monkeys in September, arrive early. Only one entrance of the O2 will be open and we don’t set up until half-six. 

“Keith and Lee will be on the door outside, making sure there’s no trouble, then Kath’s inside with her cash box. It’s cash only. We’re not messing about with cards. 

“She’ll also tell you to piss off home if you’re too young or too hammered, and she’s got Pete in there to make sure you do. Not afraid to lay a hand on, is Pete. 

“That shouldn’t take more than a minute and you can pick your own seat. First come first served, unless there’s a jumper on it. Them are ours.” 

Fan Helen Archer said: “Wow. Looks like my chance of getting in just went up from 0.00001 to 0.00018. Even higher if I wank off Keith.”