Tickets on the door only, rules Ticketmaster

TICKETMASTER has closed its secondary resales websites and its main website, announcing that from now on the only way to get in is to queue at the door. 

The current system of purchasing tickets in advance on the internet, which is open to abuse, will be replaced by a door crew of four and a trestle table. 

A spokesman said: “If you’re one of the 20,000 coming to see the Arctic Monkeys in September, arrive early. Only one entrance of the O2 will be open and we don’t set up until half-six. 

“Keith and Lee will be on the door outside, making sure there’s no trouble, then Kath’s inside with her cash box. It’s cash only. We’re not messing about with cards. 

“She’ll also tell you to piss off home if you’re too young or too hammered, and she’s got Pete in there to make sure you do. Not afraid to lay a hand on, is Pete. 

“That shouldn’t take more than a minute and you can pick your own seat. First come first served, unless there’s a jumper on it. Them are ours.” 

Fan Helen Archer said: “Wow. Looks like my chance of getting in just went up from 0.00001 to 0.00018. Even higher if I wank off Keith.” 

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Box of green tea in office kitchen now longest-serving member of staff

A BOX of green tea in an office kitchen has now been there longer than any of the employees.

The Twinings brand has gone though two logo changes and one recipe alteration since the box was purchased, while the office has replaced its entire staff.

Green tea, like a yoga mat, is often purchased in the hope of making a ‘healthy change’ before being ignored for stuff that is not bollocks.

None of the employees know where the office’s green tea came from, only that they do not want to drink it.

Sales Manager Helen Archer said: “Every time I go in the kitchen the green tea is there. I sometimes hesitate for a second before deciding to have something nice instead.”

Employee Tom Booker said: “The box of green tea has been there since I started. To be honest, I sort of look up to it.”