Time dilation effect means Interstellar takes 23 years to watch

Cinemagoers watching sci-fi blockbuster Interstellar have staggered out of the film after almost a quarter of a century to find that only a few hours had passed outside.

The massive gravity of Oscar-winning stars Matthew McConaughey and Jessica Chastain crushes spacetime in screenings, meaning that those inside experience time passing at a much slower rate.

Stephen Malley of Stockport said: “By the time the first bit about corn and dust had finished it already felt like I’d been sitting in that same cinema seat for years and years.

“And during Anne Hathaway’s big speech about love being one of the fundamental forces of the universe, I could feel my skin tightening and wrinkling, my eyes failing and my hearing going, which frankly was something of a relief.

“But when I left the cinema it was just a few hours later and my wife couldn’t understand why my hair was grey and I had two teenage daughters with the woman from the seat in front.”

Multiplex manager Donna Sheridan said: “Cinemas are no strangers to bending reality, like the pocket hyperinflationary universes we create to convince you paying £8.50 for a big Coke and popcorn is perfectly reasonable.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

FIFA isn’t corrupt, you are, says FIFA

AN 18-month investigation into FIFA corruption has found that football’s governing body has no issue with corruption but that you totally do.

Corruption allegations were levelled after pipelines spewing banknotes into FIFA’s Swiss headquarters were traced back to Russia and Qatar.

But FIFA’s own investigation has delivered the surprise result that FIFA is innocent and all the parties who accused it of corruption were themselves taking bribes to do so.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter, named after the sound of a truck running over a pigeon, said: “For FIFA to be completely exonerated and all of its critics guilty of the very crimes they accused us of is most ironic.

“But our investigators have incontestable proof that the English FA, Michel Platini and every bloke down the pub who has ever said that the Qatar win was ‘a bit dodgy’ were doing it for financial inducements.

“Football fans all over the world need to take a look at themselves and to think about how they can stop letting FIFA down.

“I’m not angry with you. I’m just disappointed.”