Users of medieval language to receive medieval punishments

ANYONE using faux-medieval phrases like ‘Methinks’ or ‘good Sir’ is to be given medieval punishments like the rack and the Iron Maiden.

The punishments have been revived in response to the spread of medieval language, believed to have been transmitted from the real ale to the craft beer communities.

Chief inspector Roy Hobbs said: “In the 21st century, there is no excuse for exclaiming ‘Zounds!’

“People across the country are leaving conversations traumatised after unexpectedly being hit with ‘mayhap’, and evenings out are left in ruins after being described as ‘making merry’.

“The people of the Middle Ages had an answer to this, and they have left us the torture devices to repeat it.

“From now on anyone using ‘perchance’ will get the thumbscrews, any utterance of ‘twas’ will be rewarded by the choke-pear, and saying ‘Gadzooks!’ will see you hung, drawn and quartered at the town gibbet.”

The laws come into place for tonight’s Otley Beer Festival, where the balcony of the leisure centre will be lined by crossbowmen waiting for a signal.

Barmaid Joanne Kramer said: “They’re ready to open fire the moment anyone says they’re ‘quaffing ale’ or refers to me as ‘wench’.”

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Kardashian photo breaks human spirit

A PHOTO of Kim Kardashian extending her buttocks has destroyed the very essence of what it is to be human.

The image of the socialite was designed to ‘break the internet’ but has instead forced everyone to admit that humanity is a wasteland and that all is lost.

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said: “The attention and resources devoted to this ghastly, dead-eyed, talentless demon makes me feel like the Ancient Mariner, adrift on a slimy sea.

“Because of Kardashian I now see all humans as potential Kardashians. All of them searching for that special way in which they can get something for nothing.

“Yesterday I was warm, loving and intellectually curious. Today I hate everything that has ever existed.

“And don’t forget – anyone who tells you it’s culturally significant is just making it worse.”