Vegetarians developing 'pulled' cabbage

VEGETARIANS are developing ‘pulled’ versions of their idea of food.

After seeing carnivores reach new peaks of satisfaction with slow-cooked, shredded meat, the vegetarians insisted they could also enjoy eating.

Tom Logan, a vegetarian from London, said: “Like most people I watch adverts for pulled pork or chicken and think, ‘Jesus Christ, that looks amazing’.

“But then I remember I can’t have any because of my stupid fucking values.

“So anyway, I’ve been been working on pulled carrots, yams, celery and cabbage. The yam pulled quite well to begin with, but then slumped as if it had just been made redundant.

“Both the celery and the carrot were unbelievably vile. Oh my god. Meanwhile, the pulled cabbage does have potential, but not as food.”

Logan added: “Last weekend I held a brunch party and showed everyone my version of ‘pulled egg’.

“But one of the vegans went mental and broke my nose with a potato.”

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Racists no longer bothering to say ‘I’m not a racist, but…’

RACISTS feel it is now socially acceptable to just come straight out with it.

Long-time closet bigot Norman Steele said: “All this ‘I’m not a racist, but… ” stuff? Of course we were racists. It was a charade we had to play out. But no more.

“It used to be that you couldn’t say anything, you know what I mean, otherwise the PC Brigade would be on your back.

“But actually, it turns out times have changed. We’re more mainstream now. You can be racist on buses. In the streets. In newspapers. It’s fine.

“Most people don’t seem bothered. In fact they avoid eye contact and pretend to be playing a game on their phone.

“It gives me hope that people in Britain are becoming more tolerant and accepting of racists.”