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Transformers: The mad bigot's guide to TV shows that have been grooming kids since the 80s

THINK Transformers is harmless? The clue’s in the name. Here Roy Hobbs speaks for the increasing number of paranoid weirdos who think everyone’s trying to sexualise your kids.

Rainbow

You may only have become aware of the Pride flag recently, but it’s been indoctrinating kids for decades, hidden in such plain sight on Rainbow. They may as well have called it It’s Great Being a Poof. An effeminate hippo, a bear – which is gay language for hairy blokes – and a sentient gimp mask are living with a grown man. If that’s the ‘gay lifestyle’, no thanks!

Transformers

My grandson says it’s a cool show about robots, but at the age of six he doesn’t have my years of experience spending too much time on loony Facebook pages. Kids think it’s fun to see a lorry turn into Optimus Prime, but they won’t be laughing when they’ve been ‘trans-formed’ into a woman by having their tackle chopped off. Or left on so they can scare real ladies in the M&S changing rooms, which is every single transgender’s main hobby. 

Bugs Bunny dressed a girl

Did you know that when drag queens aren’t doing perverted performances like lip-syncing to pop songs they’re forcing JK Rowling to make children cry with her ‘transphobic’ tweets? But the truth is, children have been indoctrinated into drag for years – take Bugs Bunny dressed as a girl. Those cartoons should be destroyed, and not just because they make me feel strange in my groin area.

The Muppets and Sesame Street

Jim Henson is held up as some sort of hero, but the man was utterly depraved. A pig and a frog having sex? What sort of twisted mind comes up with that? And don’t even get me started on Bert and Ernie. I’ve even heard rumours about Beaker and Dr Bunsen, which I don’t believe as gay men never wear glasses. That’s a scientific fact.

Teletubbies

Quite rightly there was outrage at the time that a non-gender-defined alien creature carried a handbag. It should have been banned instantly and every child who’d watched it taken to a re-education camp to wash the filth from their mind. Did that happen? No. Instead, David Beckham wore a sarong, masculinity was completely destroyed forever and the next Labour government will be putting gay sex hormones in the tap water. I’d give up and kill myself if it wasn’t for my important work saving the kiddies.

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Why am I picking fruit? Cause and effect made simple for Brexiters

THERE’S now a desperate shortage of fruit pickers and lorry drivers, and if there was any justice in the world Brexiters would have to do it. For their benefit, here’s how cause and effect work.

The basics

In its simplest form, causality is the idea that one event causes another. So if you vote to stop crucial workers coming here, it might stop crucial workers coming here. What do you mean, you’re confused already? 

What does cause and effect have to with fruit and lorries?

You know strawberries? They don’t spontaneously materialise in cartons in Tesco. A process known as ‘being picked’ causes them to get there. Also, Brexit has made it not worth the grief for foreign lorry drivers to come here. That’s a negative effect. All the anti-foreigner ranting and Union Jacks making it look as if the National Front was about to take over didn’t help either. 

And don’t just say ‘We can all grow our own fruit and veg’ like you did during the entire 2016 Brexit campaign. We can’t and we’re all tired of that bullshit.

Believe it or not, there’s a link between people saying something is a terrible idea and it being a terrible idea

More cause and effect. When informed people warn against the grave folly of doing something, there’s usually a reason. For example, a highly qualified doctor will rarely recommend sawing your own leg off. However, applying Brexit logic, common sense tells you only having one leg would save time in the shower, so where’s that rusty hacksaw?  

Why am I picking fruit? I don’t like it

As the British economy atrophies and job opportunities are drastically reduced until all that’s available is fruit and veg picking, you may be forced to do it. Or Job Centre Plus may simply threaten to cut off your Universal Credit if you don’t start picking asparagus at 6am. Still, Brexiters are always wanking on about honest graft, so you’re probably volunteering already. Oh, you’re not. How odd.

Knowing less than f**k all causes problems

These Brexit beliefs are all wrong and have caused problems: it’s easier to trade with Australia than Europe; Britain can ignore modern trade rules and act like it’s the Opium Wars; incredible weirdos like Johnson and Rees-Mogg would magically become great statesman in service of Brexit. There are many, many more. It’s not just stupid, it’s hilariously stupid – until you wonder what millions of Brexiters will vote for next. Spending our entire GDP on a Death Star? Where’s the problem? It didn’t take long to build in Return of the Jedi. 

The Aristotelian view of cause and effect

Aristotle wrote extensively on cause and effect, but we’ll totally ignore that because it’s (A) either pointless ‘book learning’ if you’re a white van type, or (B) elitist rubbish from Britain’s Marxist universities who also offer BAs in Wokeness & Gender Bender Studies, if you’re a Daily Express reader. Also in your view Aristotle is a foreign bastard who should be sent to Rwanda if he tries to come here in a dinghy.

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