'They had to remove it from my arse in A&E': insanely personal information strangers just come out and share

COLLEAGUE? Friend of a friend? Stranger in the street? Why would they just come out and tell you this shit? 

Their oral sex habits

If Janine isn’t into swallowing her boyfriend’s semen, fine with you. If he accidentally jizzed in her eye, that’s unfortunate. Neither is something you mention to a new co-worker you’ve only known for two days, in the canteen, over a yoghurt.

Ailments ripe for juvenile mockery

We’re all theoretically adults. Even so, you personally wouldn’t tell your girlfriend’s best mate’s boyfriend about your constipation by saying in utter seriousness, ‘it’s like trying to shit out a baby rhino’. How can you possibly not take the piss of that behind his back for life?

Their f**ked-up domestic arrangements

Something like: her husband hates sleeping in the same bed as another person, so he’ll stay at his sister’s all week then come over for sex on Saturday, but kip in the conservatory and go back on Sunday. You want to say: ‘That’s really odd, actually, Clare.’ But in one of life’s many injustices then they’d think you were a bastard.

A good porno they’ve seen

Watch it; don’t talk about it. Except for some reasons the watchers of the vilest filth are compelled to unburden themselves by describing it, blow-by-blow, while repairing your guttering. Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania has its detractors but given the choice you’d hear about that from a disembodied voice up a ladder.

Sexual adventurism gone wrong

Visited A&E after excessively enthusiastic anal? Boyfriend got a marble stuck up his urethra? These stories are for an audience of one extremely close friend or an arena watching stand-up, and nothing between. But it seems the bloke you’re outside the pub having a fag with disagrees.

Unhinged acts of revenge

Her boyfriend was cheating, so she did what any normal person would do and shat in the glove compartment of his Audi. Wronged or not, this commitment to revenge marks her out as a loony, and the disgusting impracticality of it makes ‘So I popped his kids’ pet rabbit on to boil…’ seem positively well-balanced.

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Five professions you're uneasy with being younger than you

TRYING to believe you’re still youthful until you’re forced to interact with these mere children playing dress-up? 

Hospital doctors

A GP, yes. You’re just grateful to see one and they’re probably training. But a surgeon in a hospital and they’re a decade younger? They may have studied medicine and have knowledge and experience, but you Googled your symptoms five minutes ago and believed the first result, which was an advert for a VPN.

Shop managers

When you demand to see the manager you expect an older person, businesslike, polished shoes. Not someone younger than the girl you’ve just been dealing with and no less insolent. It’s as if the thankless job of dealing with the dwindling population of disgruntled out-of-touch Luddites who don’t shop online is criminally underpaid.

Uber drivers

How can a young person believably drive you somewhere? All they’ve got to guide them is a high-precision satellite navigation system no better than the one on your phone. And they navigate by the buildings that are there, unlike you who gives directions by ‘those luxury flats that used to be Debenhams’ and you’re only 28.

The prime minister

Prime ministers should be Dumbledore-like figures; greying, doddery, weighed down by years of wisdom. Like John Major, except he was 47. You can’t trust freshly-minted prime ministers bouncing along like they’re headed to the sixth-form Mathlete finals. They do less damage when they take an hour to wake up.


Back when university was free, students were radical intellectuals who spoke truth to power and fought for progressive values. Nowadays they think they have all the answers and need a few years in the real world to learn some life lessons. An opinion you genuinely hold even though you graduated in 2011. The stupid, carefree bastards.