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UK enters 'grudgingly accepting an outside table at a restaurant' season

BRITAIN has entered the four-month period where they will be offered an outdoor table by a waiter and unwillingly accept it. 

Not wanting to be rude, the nation’s diners will feel unable to refuse a suggestion they eat al fresco for fear of looking graceless and unsophisticated.

Hannah Tomlinson said: “It’s not as if they charge less for food.

“It costs the same as if you were inside, protected from shivering at every passing cloud, not batting away insects, pigeons, and street drinkers. And the chair’s metal and my arse is freezing.

“Personally, I enjoy my orecchiette with chilli and lemon less when people keep walking past with their shopping, but demanding to be under a roof would be so uncontinental and Brexity.”

Waitress Lucy Parry said: “I tell them it’ll be a 45-minute wait or seating on our heated patio. It’s a lie, but I love watching them squirm.

“It’s also a lie about the patio being heated.”

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