Trump swept to victory by fans of poor quality 80s action films

MEN who love the films of Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal are responsible for Trump’s election victory, it has emerged.

An unusually high voter turnout among people whose favourite films are Missing in Action, Death Wish 2 or Lone Wolf McQuade is believed to have sealed America’s fate.

Trump voter Wayne Hayes said: “I believe masculine 80s action films, featuring a foreign baddie and one sex scene shot in silhouette, are the pinnacle of cinema and a template for how to live.

“I particularly like it if they have a paranoid theme, like Invasion USA. I’ve even written a script called Blood Hunter II: Midnight Revenge Attack about a former POW killing gang members with his metal hand.

“He has a dog called Maverick that wears an eye patch.”

He added: “They should show Under Siege in schools, because if you’re a chef on a big boat and it’s attacked by terrorists, you need to be able to save the sexy woman.”

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America really, really, really not ready for woman president

THE USA was so unready to have a woman as president that it would vote for literally anyone else instead, it has been confirmed. 

Following Hillary Clinton’s defeat by a man who has never worked in politics and has no interest in doing so, the glass ceiling has been reinforced with toughened shatterproof safety glass. 

Wayne Hayes of Jasper, Indiana said: “Boy, were we not ready for a woman president. Not this century. 

“Commentators were all ‘well we had a black man as president’, but didn’t reckon the most important word there was ‘man’. 

“Women can’t be trusted. They’re emotional, they think clothes are important, and might try to get revenge for the last 6,000 years. 

“I believe President Trump should pass a constitutional amendment to make sure no woman embarrasses herself like this ever again. It’d be fairer.” 

Hillary Clinton agreed: “I should’ve realised it was black man, white man, gay man, white man, black gay man, another 12 white men, then woman.”