TV pick of the day: Clarkson's Misogynist Farm

19th January 2023

10.35pm, GB News channel

WITH Amazon likely to ditch him, Jeremy Clarkson is hosting a brand new show in which he runs a farm while being hilariously un-woke. So what can viewers expect?

A tour of the farm

Jezza gives a tour of ‘Upshit Creek Farm’ while bleating about ITV and Amazon trying to cancel him. Several farm animals attempt to drown themselves in a slurry pit rather than listen to this self-pitying bollocks of his own creation.

Obligatory topical dig at Meghan

Jeremy introduces viewers to a female horse he’s named Meghan, ‘because she’s a bloody mare’. Less wittily, there’s a fat pig also allegedly called Meghan. The last three female viewers sigh and switch off.

Celebrity guests

The obvious choices would be James May and Richard Hammond, but they’re trying to distance themselves from Jeremy’s comments about hurling excrement at a naked woman. Instead viewers are treated to top celebrity guests Justin Lee Collins and Reform UK’s Richard Tice.

Jeremy f**ks up a farm thing

Jeremy gets shown how to drive a combine harvester, which he deliberately messes up for comic effect. Even fans of this schtick realise it was funnier on Top Gear, and watch old episodes of that instead.

Politically incorrect rant that goes on too long

This week Jeremy muses on why women are such humourless bitches, segueing effortlessly into a wholly original diatribe about ‘the thought police’, ‘snowflakes’ and ‘ladies with todgers’. The root of the problem, he concludes, is wokeness. GB News viewers honk like happy seals at hearing these hackneyed observations for the billionth time.

His poor girlfriend

Viewers catch a brief glimpse of Jeremy’s poor girlfriend who helps run the farm. It’s a blink-and-you-miss-her appearance, but everyone feels incredibly sorry for her.

Blatant plug for his shit new restaurant

Jeremy showcases his restaurant for gammons and Grand Tour fans with an aggressively meat-based menu striking a blow against the menace of veganism. Two diners collapse with heart problems after eating the steak sandwich consisting of a 24-ounce steak between two more steaks with a large portion of steak fries.

Embarrassing bullying incident

Accidentally left in the edit by GB News’ incompetent production team, Jeremy is seen repeatedly kicking a researcher in the arse for bringing him a packet of cheese and onion crisps when he asked for cheese and chives.

Jeremy has a breakdown

Jeremy has a ‘road to Damascus’ moment and realises his TV career is over if he’s on GB News with that anti-vax bloke off Coast and the channel’s 11 viewers. Sobbing, he begs the BBC to take him back. Sadly, due its morbid fear of taking a risk on something new, the corporation reinstates him on a salary of £6 million a year.

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Five panic responses when your contactless card gets declined

18th January 2023

YOUR card has been rejected. Here’s how to claw back some fiscal dignity in the ensuing blind panic.

Declare your solvency

Immediately inform everyone around that you are flush with cash. Interrupt the sales assistant trying to ask you to verify your card with your PIN by ranting about having ‘well over a thousand pounds’ in your account whilst hurriedly opening your banking app and showing anyone that cares your available funds. Which will be no one.

Feign surprise

It’s difficult to exhibit genuine surprise when you know your card might be declined anyway. Saying things like ‘Gosh! I didn’t expect that!’ is worth a go but unlikely to fool anyone, even if you say it as if you’d found a bigfoot at the bottom of your basket.

Apportion blame

This calls for instant obnoxiousness. Your declined card isn’t your fault, the machine must be faulty. Or the assistant processed the transaction incorrectly. How hard can it be? Question everything, then ask for the manager. There’s a good chance they’ll let you and your jar of harissa go, on the grounds that it’s worth it just to get rid of you.

Take ‘Do you have another way to pay?’ literally

If asked if you have another means to pay, say your partner works for a bank and can have government-backed gilts released immediately. Alternatively you can pay using a $20,000 Bitcoin or a Millennium Falcon in its original unopened box. When the confused assistant says that’s not appropriate for a Meal Deal, pompously tell them they need to get with the times.

Become desperate

Go to any lengths to get your Muller Rice multipack. Look the assistant in the eye and say ‘See anything you like?’ or ‘I know a guy who can get really good shit’. If neither of these work put your hand in your pocket with a finger simulating a gun barrel and say it’s a robbery. As the firearms squad surround Sainsbury’s and you start taking hostages you’ll quickly forget the embarrassment of your card being declined.

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