Yorkshireman fined for cutting sandwich diagonally

A MAN from Batley has been given a substantial fine for cutting his bacon butty in a manner unbecoming of a Yorkshireman.

Plumber Norman Steele, 46, was today ordered to pay £600 with 120 hours of community service by a court in Halifax, with the judge describing it as ‘the worst case of a Yorkshireman getting funny ideas I have ever seen’. 

Steele’s crime was discovered by his wife when she found him in the kitchen, not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, delicately slicing a sandwich from corner to corner. 

Wife Barbara said: “I felt sick. His normal butty is a huge doorstep drowned in ketchup and eaten whole, but this was poncey wholemeal bread arranged neatly on a plate. I could tell it wasn’t the first diagonal sandwich he’d made.

“In all our years of marriage he’s been hiding a creative, sensitive side. I should have realised his head had been turned by fancy Southern ways when he wanted mayonnaise on his chips instead of gravy.

“I feel like such a fool. I’ve moved in with my parents while the divorce goes through.”

Judge Mary Fisher said: “Mr. Steele exhibited a blatant disregard for the bluff, tiresome ways of God’s Own County.

“However I rejected a custodial sentence because I believe Mr Steele was genuine in his desire to make a fresh start in life and not move on to more serious crimes such as focaccia with olives.”

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Six comedy hit records that were f**king hilarious when you were eight

COMEDY songs have never been funny. However they do prove that children are idiots who’ll laugh at anything, such as these annoying tunes that blighted the charts.

Benny Hill – Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

This innuendo-laden song was somehow a Christmas number one. Benny’s dodgy bumpkin accent was a hoot for kids, while the mild smut about ‘crumpets every night’ amused the primitive adults of the 1970s. David Cameron included it in his Desert Island Discs, as if further proof of its appeal to idiots was needed.

The Goodies – The Funky Gibbon

The incredibly popular surreal comedy trio could have come up with comedy gold, but Bill Oddie wrote The Funky Gibbon instead. It’s best described as a funk spoof for toddlers, with a singsong tune and animal noises. It led to yet another ‘wacky’ comedy song performance on Top of the Pops, and strangely got airplay across the pond, where they must have loved the shite American accents. 

Chas & Dave – Rabbit

This Cockney knees-up rubbish came out in 1981 and has since been criticised for being sexist. Although ‘threatening’ might be more accurate, as ‘You won’t stop talking/ Why don’t you give it a rest?’ has a Nil By Mouth vibe to it. Luckily for Chas & Dave, most people could only remember the ultra-hilarious chorus, repeating the titular creature over and over at different speeds. It made the top ten.

Tenacious D – Tribute

Aside from the inexplicably popular ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic, not many comedy bands achieve genuine star status. Fortunately Tenacious D had Jack Black to drag the husk along. The meta-pastiche of spoken word folk rock occult tales was lost on younger listeners, but they could laugh hysterically at Black’s stupid Satan voice. Avoids the contrived dick jokes of their lower-charting tracks, but it’s still not the best song in the world or particularly funny. 

Amateur Transplants – London Underground

For young ’uns, this parody of The Jam’s classic was superb because it featured not only ‘bastard’ and ‘wanker’, but also the C-word. However as an adult it’s hard not to be taken aback by the rabidly anti-union lyrics. Turns out they were former Imperial College med students who also did a song taking the piss out of rival medical school St Barts. How we laughed. 

Crazy Frog – Axel F

2005’s viral summer hit was an anthropomorphic, trouserless biker frog singing a ringtone version of the Beverly Hills Cop theme. Naturally this humour vacuum was a joy for little turds to imitate during every waking moment. But frankly what do you expect when the character is basically called ‘The Annoying Thing’?