BBC issues formal apology for Gary Lineker talking over sex noises

THE BBC has apologised for Gary Lineker interrupting interesting sex noises with his annoyingly matey football punditry. 

Viewers have complained about their enjoyment of pornographic moans during Match of the Day being ruined by Lineker’s banal football chat which surely cannot be worth £1.35 million.

A BBC spokesperson said: “We regret any offence caused to viewers who had the muffled sounds of orgasmic ecstasy drowned out by our former crisp salesman’s views on Wolves’ clash with Liverpool.

“His breezy, affable punditry is grating enough at the best of times, but to have him drone over a prank call of a woman getting railed is a new low for us as a broadcaster. I mean, he’s 62 and he’s still doing that ‘chirpy lad’ thing.

“A presenter as grossly overpaid as Lineker should have known to sit back, shut up, and let the groans play out unacknowledged. Instead he insisted on looking puzzled and making light of it, so we’ve had no choice but to fire him.”

Viewer Wayne Hayes said: “I let Lineker’s hypocritical stance on Qatar slide, but talking over a rare moment of interest on Match of the Day is unforgivable. Some mistakes you just can’t walk back from.”

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Gammons celebrating after pissing off minorities and the Scottish all at once

GAMMONS are thrilled that the government blocking the gender recognition bill has annoyed weirdos and put uppity Scots in their place simultaneously.

After struggling for years to get their way against the all-powerful forces of wokeness, perpetually furious, puce-faced Boomers are delighted at their ‘two birds with one stone’ victory.

Roy Hobbs, from Swindon, said: “Nothing has gone right for us since Brexit. Not that Brexit isn’t a brilliant success, because it is, but leftie liberals want to steal it from us.

“Now they want to take away everything that’s normal and heterosexual, like beauty contests, pinching ladies’ bums on the bus and using the phrase ‘shirt-lifter’ for a laugh.

“Then there’s those bolshy Scots, who I hate, always making a fuss about independence. I’d tell them to f**k right off if I wasn’t also inexplicably and illogically obsessed with maintaining the Union.

“What’s a GRC? I dunno. But if it upsets a vulnerable minority group and gets on Nicola Sturgeon’s tits, then I’m all for it.

“Or against it. Whichever. I can’t actually be arsed to find out.”