How to avoid being a victim of police crime. By the Metropolitan Police

CRIMES by the police are on the increase, but you can deter police officers with some simple precautions. Follow this advice and don’t become another police crime statistic. 

Don’t be a woman

Women should dress as men, or have gender reassignment surgery. You’ll soon get used to having a todger, and it’s a proven turn-off for homophobic officers who prefer having ‘bantz’ about ‘arse bandits’ to catching criminals.

Get a security peephole or video doorbell

Don’t open the door if a visitor looks suspicious. Telltale signs include: a hat with a chequered band, a stab-proof vest and behaving in a superior, obstructive way if you ask them a straightforward question.

Find out what their nickname is

In a close-knit workplace like the police, many officers have nicknames. If it’s something like ‘Big Robbo’ or ‘Dan the man’ there is nothing to fear, probably. However if it’s ‘The Beast’, ‘Skullf**ker’ or ‘Paedophile Paul’ their colleagues may be subtly hinting that something is amiss. 

Get window locks

If a determined police officer is trying to break into your home, window locks combined with double glazing will buy you vital time to ring 999 and hope that the next lot of police to arrive aren’t mates of theirs.

Don’t put yourself in risky situations 

Controversial, but we just ask that women use common sense. Get a male friend to pick you up if you’re walking home alone late at night, or during the day. Stay away from pavements, roads, parks and pedestrianised areas – anywhere a policeman might be ‘patrolling’. Above all avoid police stations. Any woman who goes there is asking for it.

Do not go to school

Several teenage girls have been given internal searches at school on suspicion of possessing drugs. Simply never attend school, and to further minimise the risk, don’t be black. 

Ask the police for ID

Criminals pretending to be policemen is a persistent problem. However real officers carry an official ID card. Always ask to see it, and if it appears to be genuine, run.

Join the police

Most police officers won’t attack a colleague, once you’re out of Hendon Police College anyway. If you are a member of ‘the thin blue line’ too they won’t want to rock the boat because of their pension. And you can amuse yourself throughout your career by treating members of the public like scum.

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15 innocuous things you must never say to your girlfriend's friends

MEETING your new girlfriend’s friends socially is to be tried in court for a serious offence. Here’s what you must never say if you hope to survive: 

‘I’m an office drone’

So Emma could do a lot better. Your casual semi-joke suggests the need for matchmaking with a single corporate lawyer friend. The correct thing to say was: ‘I’m thinking of doing an MBA.’

‘I was so hungover the next day was a write-off’

Clearly late-stage alcoholism. Do not relate booze anecdotes, however amusing. ‘I’m thinking of buying an ISA’ is better. Her pisshead mates will approve of that.

‘Did you know it’s a myth dogs can only see in black and white?’ 

Dismissed. Worthwhile conversations have a clear linear structure: Are you buying a house? What sort of house? What is the house worth? Is it better than my house?

‘I haven’t got a car’

A sign of failure. How do you get about? More importantly, how will you take Emma to the maternity ward and have family days out at safari parks?

‘My dad worked in a factory’

Unfortunate, but where will you get the deposit for a house? Emma’s last boyfriend’s parents had a massive house in Surrey and a villa in Tuscany? She should be reminded of that.

‘Never really thought about kids’

That you’ve been going out three weeks is irrelevant. Shows lack of commitment and possibly a deliberate, evil scheme to leave Emma childless and unfulfilled.

‘I’m rereading Watchmen’

Oh God he’s into comics. Do you still play with toy soldiers too? If you’re going to mention books make it cool ones like Bernadine Evaristo or Elizabeth Strout.

‘I’d like to have a creative career’

You want to live in a filthy artist’s garret borrowing money off Emma all the time. You should have specified something like advertising copywriter thinking up butter slogans for six figures. That’s the acceptable face of creativity.

‘So you’ve been friends with Emma since university?’

No. Emma’s friend hated her then for some impenetrable reason. However you now have a black mark against you for reminding her of something you could never have known about.

‘I like to cook’

50/50 chance whether this earns you ‘modern man’ points or you’re plotting to be a stay-at-home husband while Emma goes to work and pays for everything.

‘In an infinite multiverse there could be a lizard version of everyone’

Who has thoughts like that? Does Emma know you believe lizard people secretly control the world?

‘I hit a school bully at primary school’

Your masculinity is toxic. Emma should be texted the number of a women’s refuge.

‘Suicide Squad is shit but I liked Margot Robbie in it’

You fancy Margot Robbie more than Emma, you bastard. The fact that Margot Robbie is a movie star at least in part due to her attractiveness does not make this any less disloyal.

‘Sometimes I’d like to pack it all in and rear haggises in Scotland’

OMG. He’s changing career to farmer, Emma. He’s right-wing like Clarkson. He f**king loves Brexit.

‘I’m more of a dog person’

Case closed, and not in your favour. Emma is more of a cat person. She should dump you immediately and hook up with fellow cat person Iain. He is extremely boring, prone to sulking and collects toby jugs, but the cat/dog issue is insurmountable.