Viruses having awesome summer at festivals

POTENTIALLY debilitating viruses are having the ‘best summer ever’ at all the big music festivals.

Measles, hepatitis and even smallpox have been really getting into the festival circuit, watching legendary bands on outdoor stages and making new friends via sweaty hugs, shared water bottles and medieval-style toilets.

Measles said: “I’ve always been a fairly shy virus, more used to hanging out in the relative quiet of school canteens than the ‘mosh pit’ at a big music event.

“This year though, Hepatitis B reached out and was like ‘My host organism has got a couple of spare tickets for the Love Town Weekender, let’s do it’.

“At first I was a bit reluctant, I really hate fancy dress and all that sort of thing, but actually it was just like a giant petri dish. There were so many other germs there, and so much filth that I didn’t feel at all self-conscious.

“I loved how everyone was crammed into these big metal-fenced pens, their immune systems lowered by drugs and sleep deprivation.

“I met dozens of new people that weekend, all of whom will be off work for at least a fortnight.”

Smallpox said: “I’ve been keeping a low profile for the last century or so, but I went to a big vegan music festival this year and really liked it.

“I’m hoping to hit up some boutique festivals this summer and maybe infect some coked-up PR girls dancing next to a big lake of faeces.”

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No-one wants to be on ‘Strictly’ with Ed Balls

THE BBC is struggling to find contestants for the new series of Strictly Come Dancing because Ed Balls is in it.

The corporation admitted it may be forced to use people who have the same names as celebrities and who can also stand to be in the same room as the bum-faced former Labour MP.

Huw Edwards, the BBC newsreader and inevitable Strictly contestant, said: “I’ll wait for the next series. I don’t even want to pretend to like Ed Balls.”

Tennis hero Tim Henman revealed he turned down the offer, adding: “It seems like a rather pathetic attempt by Ed Balls to reinvent himself and I cannot be involved in that in any way.”

Actress Penelope Keith, who also turned down the BBC, said: “It would be really awkward when Ed Balls finishes his routine and he and his partner join all the other contestants, but none of them are applauding him.

“It would just be a bunch of people glaring at him as if to say, ‘Why are you ruining this for everyone? Why don’t you just sod off?’”