Well done you corporate cake whores, says Mary Berry

MARY Berry has congratulated the hosts of Channel 4’s Great British Bake Off for betraying everything baking stands for.

Berry, who now only makes cakes at illegal baking parties in disused warehouses after turning her back on the money, said: “Baking was never about the cash, it was about the vibe.

“Unless you’re Paul ‘Paul Fucking Hollywood’ Hollywood or the other corporate cake whores.

“Do all those cakes taste of money? Or just Channel 4’s big corporate cock? This is worse than when John Lydon did a butter advert.”

She added: “When we started Bake Off we were young – I probably wasn’t much more than 81 – and angry and thought we could change the world through cake. There were no adverts, just overtly sexual gags and open spoon-licking.

“Just don’t be surprised if you open one of those ovens to find a big steaming ‘Berry’s chocolate log’ in there.”

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Kim wants to be Trump who wants to be Putin

KIM JONG-UN desperately wants to be Donald Trump who yearns to be Vladimir Putin, psychologists have agreed. 

The triumvirate of dictators, who obsess about each other night and day but rarely meet in person, are locked into a maelstrom of envy and loathing similar to those in secondary schools.

Psychologist Susan Traherne explained: “Kim longs to be Trump, a rich American playboy with fantastic hair and a TV audience not held at gunpoint.

“But Trump hates Kim and wishes he was Putin, a maverick hunk on horseback who rides roughshod over other nations and is all cyber.

“Meanwhile Putin wants to be Xi Jinping of China, whose rule is just as merciless but who actually has a country where antifreeze isn’t an after-dinner tipple.

“Xi wants to be Shinzo Abe, who wants to be Malcolm Turnbull, who wants to be Angela Merkel, who wants to be Justin Trudeau and so on. They’re all deeply unhappy and sometimes it feels like anything would be better.”

Traherne added: “Theresa May? No. No, nobody wants to be Theresa May.”