What generic must-see TV events will you be watching this autumn?

AUTUMN’S schedules are packed with great, innovative new TV shows that rigidly adhere to pre-defined formulae. Which will you be watching?

Famous Person Documentary

Famous Person has done unexpected thing, like buying farm, football club or whaling ship. Why? Because of their long-held ambition or childhood trauma, not the multi-million pound deal to make a documentary about doing the unexpected thing.

The Troubled Detective

Shunned by colleagues for their plain-speaking alcoholism, the detective’s marriage ended due to a traumatic event revealed in high-contrast flashbacks. But they are wrenched from battling their personal demons to solve one last case. May be Scandinavian. Will be too f**king long.

The Multi-Million-Dollar Epic

The cost of this motherf**ker is repeatedly brought up as if the money wasted is a reason to watch it. An adaptation of a cult series of novels, graphic novels or videogames, it’s apparent from the first 20 minutes that none of the cash went on the script.

Quirky Girl Comedy Drama

Girl comedian lives in bohemian chaos in East London, striking out in her career, friendships and fashion choices until she begins an unlikely love-hate relationship with her flatmate / best friend / hero. Will their relationship survive the obstacles caused by her being f**king irritating? Or will he shag her mate who actually has her shit together?

The Twisty Plotter

From the makers of Line of Duty comes a show so laden with twists that you’ve had all your expectations overturned before you’ve had chance to form them. Requires extensive research into the Troubles, a photographic memory and if you look away for a second to sip your tea you’re f**ked.

We’ve Made A Terrible Mistake

Plucky Brits have bought something huge, foreign and unmanageable. Watch from the comfort of your sofa as they discover their Romanian castle is on top of an active volcano, feeling nothing but deep envy for their plight. It’ll work out alright, they’re on telly.

Let’s Ruin Thing You Like Forever

Always loved [food item of choice]? Watch this hard-hitting documentary and you will never want to eat [food item of choice] ever again in your life! It’s disgustingly processed and/or hurts wildlife, and/or is carcinogenic. You watch it while eating Monster Munch.

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Lies-per-minute record absoutely smashed

THE UK’s lies-per-minute record has been absolutely shattered by this morning’s farewell speech by Boris Johnson. 

The departing prime minister, who had been served a lovely fat breakfast on a tray by Michael Gove, emerged from Downing Street for the last time to breeze past the record and take political lying to new heights.

Attendee Julian Cook said: “He started slowly, with a bitter aside about changing the rules of the relay race that almost acknowledged objective reality. Then he kicked the f**k off.

“After his traditional Brexit-vaccine-Ukraine opener he seemed to spur himself to greater and greater heights. Police, nurses, hospitals, each brazen lie was topped by an even bigger one.

“By the midpoint, where he was promising a new nuclear reactor every week each served by its own high-speed railway, there wasn’t a lie he couldn’t tell. There was a new high-tech company springing up everywhere the nutter looked.

“It came crashing down when he flashed back to being on his space hopper, after which he slowed the frantic pace and finished with gentle, comforting lies about the strength of the union and the enduring friendship of dog and cat.

“What an incredible, epochal liar he was to the very last. We shall not see his like again. Though she’ll have a go.”