NEW prime minister Liz Truss has promised Britain to look competent by comparison to her predecessor.
After being democratically elected by a small number of Southern pensioners, Truss has assured the country that her predictably shambolic reign will be an exemplar of professionalism compared to Boris Johnson’s.
Speaking awkwardly, she continued: “I am aware of how both combs and irons work, and have not made igorance of them my personal brand. An improvement on day one.
“On the world stage, I have already been welcomed as both serious and capable by leaders who recall ‘that arschgeige Johnson’ when he was foreign secretary.
“While lowering taxes for the super-rich or taking the nation to war to distract from the economy, because that’s what Thatcher would do, I will not bumble, horse around or make jokes in Latin. I will conduct myself with the grace and warmth of at least Theresa May.
“My time in office will be a clear improvement on the reign of the blustering, mop-haired twat whose musk is currently being fumigated from Downing Street. It will, I promise, be fractionally less shit. That is my guarantee to you.”
Voter Helen Archer said: “She’s been in five minutes and she’s already lying.”