Truss pledges to look competent in comparison

NEW prime minister Liz Truss has promised Britain to look competent by comparison to her predecessor. 

After being democratically elected by a small number of Southern pensioners, Truss has assured the country that her predictably shambolic reign will be an exemplar of professionalism compared to Boris Johnson’s.

Speaking awkwardly, she continued: “I am aware of how both combs and irons work, and have not made igorance of them my personal brand. An improvement on day one.

“On the world stage, I have already been welcomed as both serious and capable by leaders who recall ‘that arschgeige Johnson’ when he was foreign secretary.

“While lowering taxes for the super-rich or taking the nation to war to distract from the economy, because that’s what Thatcher would do, I will not bumble, horse around or make jokes in Latin. I will conduct myself with the grace and warmth of at least Theresa May.

“My time in office will be a clear improvement on the reign of the blustering, mop-haired twat whose musk is currently being fumigated from Downing Street. It will, I promise, be fractionally less shit. That is my guarantee to you.”

Voter Helen Archer said: “She’s been in five minutes and she’s already lying.”

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It has come to this

IT has come to this, the UK realises, as Liz Truss is named prime minister.

The announcement that Boris Johnson’s successor, who was Theresa May’s successor, who was David Cameron’s successor, is now prime minister has confronted the UK with what it has become.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Liz Truss. Liz f**king Truss. That’s how low we’ve sunk.

“You’d hope this could act like a sharp, bracing wake-up call, like when a blackout alcoholic wakes up in the central reservation of a busy flyover and realises this can’t carry on.

“But it won’t. If anything I think we’ll end up sinking lower than Liz Truss, though for the life of me I can’t see how. Prime minister Priti Patel? Prime minister Jacob Rees-Mogg. I’m scaring myself now.

“Thousands of years of British history and this is how it ends. Leading the world in innovation, in the arts, all of that and now we’re at the level of a third-world country where the dictator’s daughter becomes leader while he has a nice year off.

“Everything we’ve said, everything we’ve done, has brought us to the point of Liz Truss. It was all worthless because now we’re at Liz Truss. F**king hell.”