Five f**king awful friends every woman's had

IF you’ve made the mistake of having friends while being female, you’ve suffered through a regrettable friendship with these intolerable arseholes:  

The whining one

Ever thought you had it tough? How wrong you were. The world is intentionally pitted against this woman, whether it’s luck, love or the law. While everything is orchestrated to ruin her life your problems are meagre in comparison, even if she’s got an ingrown toenail and you’ve got diphtheria. God forbid you should ever have good news.

The intense one

While you were regretting going back to hers that one time, she decided you were best friends. Now you can’t even go for a piss without telling her. Meanwhile your real BFF doesn’t understand why this freak is tagging you on Instagram posts with the caption ‘shout out to my twin soul and closest, truest friend’.

The bullshitting one

Everyone lies. Pub conversation would be lost without it. But this cow takes it to the limit. Not only has she shagged Neymar on his private jet, but she’s done all your best anecdotes twice as fast in five-inch heels. All fun until you dare to Google the 2004 Olympics women’s quadruple sculling team she was part of, and get an earful about trust and boundaries.

The drama one

F**k’s sake. You were just drifting off to sleep when WhatsApp started beeping madly, with a flurry of messages insisting on an urgent immediate call. Which turns out to be because she’s had a text from her ex asking if he can have his sander back and she’s interpreted this as a sign that they’re back together and will marry in the spring.

The horrible one

This bullying twat snuck into your social circle when you were distracted and made every brunch into a public shaming. Snide comments about your outfit, flirting with your boyfriend, pitying your attempts to exercise: she only befriended you to feel better about herself, because you’re so far beneath her. Or you have a friend you do this to and you’re the horrible one.

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Five ways the first day back at school was always a total doss

A NEW school year has begun, but it will be weeks before anyone learns anything because the first day in the classroom does not count. This is why: 

Teachers are still hungover

You can’t drink on a school night, but teachers have just had 42 consecutive non-school nights watching prestige TV, investigating alternative careers and swilling vodka. They should have dried out over the weekend but the prospect of returning to the classroom killed that. Lessons of actual substance will resume in October.

There’s nothing in the lesson plan

Exams are months away, so teachers are easing everyone in with very simple lessons where nothing happens. Young, idealistic teachers will outline everything their eager pupils will learn over the next year, only five per cent of which will happen. Jaded veterans will stick a video on then pop out for a fag.

Nobody can concentrate

Getting through a morning in an office job after a fortnight off is a struggle to comprehend the person who could endure this. Imagine being a child and doing the same after six weeks off. That’s why kids spend a day learning their new teacher’s name and reading their lesson timetable. Anything more complicated would fry their minds.

Activities are easy

Games where people get to know each other are rarely fun and contain no educational content. Teachers know this, kids know this, they each know they know. But it’s go along with the pretence or do some actual work, so hey, let’s throw that ball and talk about hobbies!

It’s still sunny

Summer is on the way out, but there’s enough sunlight streaming in to provide a distraction. Kids and teachers alike will tail off to stare out and mourn the wasted potential of a day like this, even though if they were off they’d have the curtains closed and be on PlayStation. By the time the school day finishes it will be pissing down.