How to become prime minister when nobody wants you to be, by Liz Truss

WANT to be prime minister? But MPs don’t rate you, party members would rather have Boris, and the electorate despise you? Don’t let that stand in your way. 

In less than three hours, I will become prime minister of Britain even though the only person who really wants that is myself. Here’s how I did it:

Wait your turn

It might have seemed like I was foreign secretary, or minister for women, or any number of other jobs up to and including member for south-west Norfolk all these years, but I wasn’t. Actually I was doing nothing but waiting for everyone more popular and talented than me to disappear. It was a long wait but it’s worked.

Have no convictions

I was raised a left-winger, but they’re not getting near power. I was a Remainer until the tide turned. Strongly-held beliefs do nothing but get in the way of ambition. The true success believes in nothing but herself and whatever is popular at any given moment.

Be less worse

You don’t have to be better than your opponent. That would require developing positive qualities. Instead, simply be the least worst option in any given situation, for example by not having stabbed the Blessed Boris in the back. You’ll soon find yourself winning by default.

Dismiss the haters

Anyone criticising you must be a bad person, or why would they be so hurtful? Nothing less than unwavering backing of your every move should be accepted. My husband was fully behind my affair with Mark Field, until I broke it off and he wasn’t. Every woman should have someone like him.

Be an empty vessel

What could possibly go wrong with being all things to all people? Of agreeing with every word Telegraph columnists or the ERG say? Or promising low taxes and massive government spending? Opposing people stops them liking you. Why do it?

Ignore reality

Anyone who tries to get you to face reality is trying to impose limits. They’re trying to hold back your aspirations and crush your dreams. If I faced reality, there’s no way I’d ever have become prime minister. Instead I ignored it completely and here I am. Britain can learn from me.

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Hetty Hoover, your mate's boyfriend, Nadine Dorries: weird crushes of 2022

AS autumn arrives, the time has come to reflect on the bizarre crushes you’ve allowed yourself a wank to during this turbulent year: 

Hetty Hoover

Perhaps it was just a passing fancy, but something about a sucking machine with a face on sparked passion inside you. Her big, doe eyes peering from the cupboard, her provocatively long nozzle, you couldn’t help feeling a frisson.

Your mate’s boyfriend

You’re not normally attracted to nerds who play Dungeons and Dragons, but your hands touched over the Doritos bowl at the party and you haven’t stopped thinking about him since. Would he really be so grateful he’d do anything?

Nadine Dorries

It was just one mad fevered thought over one of the hottest nights of the year, but you still see flashes of her platinum hair in your daydreams. And the way she loyally defends Boris, despite everything? You could use a partner like that.

The Shard

It’s so tall. You couldn’t help but be awestruck when you exited London Bridge station and were presented with it shining in the sunlight that chilly February day. Will you ever be invited inside? You blush to even consider the possibility.

Jill Scott 

The moment she said ‘f**k off, you f**king prick’ to that German player your heart became a puddle. She may have retired from the England team but she’s still the central midfielder of your heart.

Nick Clegg

Back in the UK after a spell in Silicon Valley and your Cleggmania from 2010 has come roaring back like it was never away. If you ran into him in an M&S Food Hall you’d drop your avocados, he’d help you pick them up, you’d shag in the inclusive changing rooms.

The Platinum Jubilee June bank holiday

You’re no Royalist, but this cheeky little bonus to the weekend really got you hot about hereditary heads of state. You’ve found yourself flipping back the calendar just to gawk at how gorgeous it was. A fleeting summer romance that will never return.