WANT to be prime minister? But MPs don’t rate you, party members would rather have Boris, and the electorate despise you? Don’t let that stand in your way.
In less than three hours, I will become prime minister of Britain even though the only person who really wants that is myself. Here’s how I did it:
Wait your turn
It might have seemed like I was foreign secretary, or minister for women, or any number of other jobs up to and including member for south-west Norfolk all these years, but I wasn’t. Actually I was doing nothing but waiting for everyone more popular and talented than me to disappear. It was a long wait but it’s worked.
Have no convictions
I was raised a left-winger, but they’re not getting near power. I was a Remainer until the tide turned. Strongly-held beliefs do nothing but get in the way of ambition. The true success believes in nothing but herself and whatever is popular at any given moment.
Be less worse
You don’t have to be better than your opponent. That would require developing positive qualities. Instead, simply be the least worst option in any given situation, for example by not having stabbed the Blessed Boris in the back. You’ll soon find yourself winning by default.
Dismiss the haters
Anyone criticising you must be a bad person, or why would they be so hurtful? Nothing less than unwavering backing of your every move should be accepted. My husband was fully behind my affair with Mark Field, until I broke it off and he wasn’t. Every woman should have someone like him.
Be an empty vessel
What could possibly go wrong with being all things to all people? Of agreeing with every word Telegraph columnists or the ERG say? Or promising low taxes and massive government spending? Opposing people stops them liking you. Why do it?
Anyone who tries to get you to face reality is trying to impose limits. They’re trying to hold back your aspirations and crush your dreams. If I faced reality, there’s no way I’d ever have become prime minister. Instead I ignored it completely and here I am. Britain can learn from me.