What to expect from a movie based on its running time

EVERYTHING you need to know about a movie can be inferred from its running time, so figure out what you’re watching before you even start:

40 – 60 minutes

Almost certainly a kid’s film, probably animation with a budget that wouldn’t stretch. Expect a nauseating plot about a lost animal learning moral lessons on the way home. Boring as f**k but genially short. Nap your way through it.

60-90 minutes

A running time becoming an acceptable episode length on Netflix. For a movie, a quick blast of entertainment reserved for comedies and cheap action films. Despite brevity, the twat next to you in the cinema will squeeze past half-a-dozen times to go to the bathroom then complain they can’t follow the plot.

90-120 minutes

The optimal movie running time. The length you secretly hope every film is, especially if it looks arty and you’re only watching it because your partner’s making you. Expect a tight three-act structure packed with twists and reveals at perfectly-timed intervals, with enough room for the odd visual gag. Films never need to be longer than this.

120-180 minutes

The cinematic equivalent of a rambling phone conversation with your mum. The story is bloated, there’s no sign of editing, and the plot’s groaning with superfluous characters who never pay off. You’ll want to walk out but you’ve already invested too much time, plus it must surely be over soon. But isn’t.

180+ minutes

Typically made by Martin Scorsese and Peter Jackson, so brace yourself for hours of gangsters and/or orcs. Superhero films are now pushing three hours because nerds will lap up every second, then sit through the f**king credits for an additional scene that will never be followed up.

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'So, anyone got any ideas?' Truss asks cabinet

THE prime minister has brightly asked her new cabinet if any of them have any ideas on how to fix anything.

The new cabinet, which has been chosen based on their talent for supporting Liz Truss, has been advised of the numerous problems facing the UK and have been asked to raise their hands when they have solutions.

Truss, who has a notepad, said: “So, energy bills. Nobody can afford to pay them but because the country’s deeply in debt neither can we. Any easy fixes for that?

“Inflation’s also a bit of a biggie. We can’t raise wages but we can’t let interest rates get too high or everyone will lose their houses. In need of some blue-sky thinking there. Kwasi?

“Also apparently there’s a real danger of thousands of businesses closing, which we need not to happen and not to be due to Brexit. Jacob, that’s your area. Say whatever comes into your head, there are no wrong answers.

“Also there are strikes, the housing crisis, immigration, the NHS, social care, rising crime, sewage dumping, Scottish independence, the Northern Ireland border, climate change and the Ukraine war. Any thoughts on any of those? Looking for quick wins. Anyone?”

Following three hours of largely unbroken silence, the cabinet broke for a lovely long lunch.