Man's natural circadian rhythms say he should stay up to 3am gaming

A MAN’S inbuilt 24-hour cycle has guided him to stay up playing League of Legends until at least 3am, he has confirmed.

Jack Browne believes it is better for his mental and physical health to follow the natural rhythms of his body, which wants him to ignore a 7.30am alarm and to remain awake far past midnight, alone, online and drinking cans of Monster.

He said: “The modern world has forced us to follow routines that go against our biorhythms. I’ve tried going to bed earlier, but I’m never going to win against science.

“It’s probably because my ancestors were nocturnal hunters, catching meat for the tribe with their amazing late-night reflexes. It’s the raw alpha male in me that refuses to sleep, not being addicted to Counter-Strike.

“By sitting in darkness staring at a rectangle of glowing light, I think I’m awakening the instincts that would’ve seen me drag home sabre-toothed tiger carcasses 10,000 years ago. It’s remarkable what you can discover if you listen to nature.”

Girlfriend Lauren Hewitt said: “Jack’s evolutionary path is primitive but powerful, compelling him to live a life unlike most. He sleeps all day and he’ll die before he reaches 40.”

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Cabinet must be brilliant because it's diverse, left-wingers agree

LIZ Truss’ multi-ethnic and representative cabinet will surely be a force for good because it is diverse, left-wingers have agreed.

The prime minister’s decision to appoint women and people of colour to top jobs in the cabinet has been welcomed by progressive liberal types, even though they are ideologically opposed to everything those specific politicians stand for.

Social justice warrior Lucy Parry said: “The Tories are inherently evil but I hate the patriarchy even more, so on this occasion I think the government has made the right call. Bravo, Liz.

“I haven’t got a clue what Kwasi Kwarteng’s economic policy looks like, and Suella Braverman has repeatedly voted against gay rights, but I can overlook all that because they’re not straight, white and cis.”

24-year-old Labour voter Joshua Hudson said: “Maybe it’s true that you get more right-wing with age. When I saw the diverse cabinet that will continue to run this country into the ground my heart swelled with patriotic joy.

“I’m left with no choice but to switch allegiance and become a paid up Tory member. All the Labour party has is a female, working-class deputy, which frankly doesn’t cut it anymore.”