What toss is it this year at the Mercury Music Prize?

IT’S that time of year when musos gather to prove who’s got the oddest and therefore best taste in music with the Mercury Music Prize. Here’s the shortlist.

Becky’s Wardrobe

Fey indie band from Cheltenham popular with introspective students. Darlings of the NME after the release of their debut single Middle-class Allergy Girl.

Shibby Doo and the Half Pint Gangstas

Shibby, 46, had been making low-quality grime in his mum’s spare bedroom in South London for 14 years until being discovered by a Shoreditch wanker running a record company funded by his parents. Check out his recent white label Don’t Fuck With Me (I’m a Part-Time Security Guard at Asda).

Logani, Logani & Logani

Little-known trio of Kurdish bassoon player brothers who are this year’s long shot. Even if they don’t win you should download their venture into prog-rock, Dark Side of the Bassoon.

Status Quo

After years of being criticised for featuring obscure acts, the awards have redressed the balance by shortlisting denimy plod-rockers the Quo. Check out their challenging new album The Best of Status Quo.

Bloodfeast Meat Cleaver Weekend

Thrash-core-death-core-noise-core-hate-core metal band ‘BMCW’ from Tamworth are actually really nice and take their fans for a pint after gigs.

Bickle and the Droogs

Teenage four-piece from Fleet. Controversial choice due to not having recorded an album or anyone except the guitarist knowing how to play an instrument. Entire musical output to date is a mobile phone recording of the riff from Smoke on the Water.

Kings of Avalonia

With an eclectic sound that mixes crunk, mumble rap, bluegrass and folk punk, Kings of Avalonia are shit.

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Helmet won't protect middle-aged skateboarder from shame

A SAFETY helmet will not protect a man from the shame of taking up a child’s hobby at the age of 42, it has emerged.

Office manager Tom Logan spent £180 on safety equipment but nothing will shield him from the looks of contempt from his family and society in general.

Logan said: “It’s a great crowd at the skatepark. I’ve even made friends with Tommo the drug dealer, although after just one toke of his weed it took me four hours to locate my Audi estate.

“The teenagers have been lovely. They’ve totally taught me the skateboarder’s code of going to corner shop to buy everyone some cider.

“I’ve discovered you need zen-like composure for ‘boarding’, so I hate those little shits whizzing around on micro-scooters now.

“Not cool guys, not cool.”

Logan’s daughter Emily, 14, said: “I thought he’d already had his childhood. We love him but we’re all hoping for quite a bad accident.”