Couple arguing in public are bloody excellent

A COUPLE who had a blazing row in public both entertained bystanders and gave them a valuable psychological boost.

The latest public slanging match between Wayne Hayes and Donna Sheridan left people feeling incredibly cheerful about not being trapped in their fraught domestic hell.

Onlooker Tom Logan said: “Obviously there was the entertainment value, like when she called him an ‘impotent tight-arsed piss-weasel’. I felt that was very creative.

“But it affected me at a deeper level too. I’d actually just been made redundant but after hearing him say ‘Where’s your broomstick, you rancid old slagbag?’ I realised my problems were tiny compared to being in that relationship.”

Fellow bystander Francesca Ryan said: “What I enjoyed about the row was that it made me feel so much better about my own partner Jeff, who I often think is a bit of a twat.

“However Jeff and I only argue in private and it’s usually about something fairly tangible, like him being a selfish arse who needs to lose weight. I love him so much.”

Psychologist Dr Nathan Muir said: “Watching a couple arguing in public is as good for your mental health as a six-week holiday on an idyllic beach accompanied by a Labrador puppy.”


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Life on Mars 'will be shite', say scientists

SCIENTISTS have finally confirmed that life on Mars will be crappy little bacteria with no ray guns.

Following the discovery of an underground ‘lake’ on the fourth planet, boffins have told the public it is probably not worth following their work with interest anymore.

Astrophysicist Dr Helen Archer said: “We might – stressing the ‘might’ – find evidence of a microbe that consumes metal salts in about 30 years, so HG Wells was talking out of his arse.

“However I can tell you with 100% certainty we won’t find any underground cities of unimaginable technological advancement. You’ll have to rent Total Recall for that.

“There are definitely no massed invasion forces as we’d dearly hoped. Nor are there spiritually advanced beings spreading cosmic enlightenment or naked green chicks with three boobs.

“There’s fuck all there basically. Mainly it’s rocks, and they’re not even that red. We make them look more interesting with Photoshop.”

However UFO conspiracy buff Nathan Muir said: “This is clearly another cover-up of the Greys’ underground human-hybrid clone factories. Mars is fascinating, if you make a load of shit up.”