London renters 'only have room to stockpile six tins for Brexit'

PEOPLE who rent flats in London would begin to starve after roughly two days in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

With the government warning that food stockpiling may be necessary, thousands of renters would find themselves having to survive the crisis on a ration of one chickpea per day.

Nikki Hollis, 26, who rents a one-bedroom flat that accounts for 75% of her wages, said: “All this talk of ‘stockpiling’ makes it sound like we’ve got giant cellars the size of the Cabinet War Rooms.

“I think Theresa May’s been watching too much American TV. Ordinary people like us don’t have massive basements full of sporting equipment and washing machines. If we did, we’d sub-let them.

“Currently we’ve got a bit of space behind the TV, which sits on top of the fridge. We could put a few tins there.

“Alternatively we could buy loads of sacks of pulses, rip out the bathroom to make room for them and then shit out of the window like in medieval times.

“However 50 years of toiletless veganism isn’t quite what we were promised on the side of the bus.”

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Anyone referring to 'smarts' can f**k right off

PEOPLE who say they or anyone else has “got their smarts” should fuck off, everyone has decided.

Britons feel the Americanism that just means ‘to be intelligent’ is so annoying anyone using it should be made to stop with extreme verbal abuse.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “Just seeing some fucker refer to ‘smarts’ on a website makes me want to smash my computer and the desk it’s sitting on for good measure.

“But hearing someone say it out loud causes a powerful urge to slap them repeatedly while shouting ‘STOP SAYING THAT NONSENSE, YOU ARSE!’. And that would be entirely reasonable.

“You’d actually be doing them a favour because it might prevent them becoming a vacant, trend-following cretin who thinks it’s cool to say ‘pants’ instead of ‘trousers’.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “I hate it most when someone says an actor has ‘got smarts’, as if deciding to appear in a mega-successful Jurassic Park movie was a really shrewd decision.

“Actually, no, I hate it more when people say ‘street smarts’. That implies they’re not only a trendy idiot but also the sort of prick who thinks they’re ‘streetwise’.”