Which subliminal mind-control messages will be on Strictly this year?

AS the new Strictly Come Dancing approaches, which subliminal messages will it contain to keep the population in a state of sheep-like docility? Here they are in full.

‘Obey authority’

Flashed up for 0.00001 seconds whenever Claudia Winkleman is on screen, this prevents you rising up against your capitalist overlords.

‘Happiness is buying things’

This subconscious instruction appears in barely-perceptible bursts every time Anton Du Beke does a rumba, and is responsible for your home being full of popcorn makers, bland John Lewis prints and box sets of Call the Midwife.

‘Fear and kill outsiders’

In order to maintain public acceptance of endless wars in places like Iraq and Syria, a primitive message of hate is projected into your cerebrum whenever a Strictly hottie like Ola Jordan shows plenty of thigh.

‘Keep watching Strictly

Using ‘stroboscopic mindwash’ technology developed by the CIA to control Lee Harvey Oswald, this prevents you realising Strictly is just a tacky retread of the 1950s Sunday night bore-fest Come Dancing.

‘Conform’

Viewers are subconsciously made afraid of transgressing society’s norms thanks to hypnotic mirrors in the soulless robot eyes of Tess Daly, who is now more machine than human.

‘Return to your subterranean work camps’

At the climax of the show citizens will return to lives of slavery, before having their memories of how shit it was erased just in time for the next series.

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Romantic wild swim ends in severe bout of the shits

A COUPLE who thought it would be romantic to swim naked in a tranquil river have ended up with a nasty dose of diarrhoea and some tetanus booster jabs.

Donna Sheridan and Nathan Muir were out for a lovely walk in the country when they decided to throw their clothes off and dive in, despite having seen a dead sheep in the water a few hundred metres upstream.

Sheridan said: “Even though we live a contemporary urban lifestyle, we still love to commune with nature whenever we get a chance, as long as it doesn’t involve cows because they’re scary.

“So the swim seemed like the perfect way to reconnect with Mother Earth. It was fucking freezing and covered in weird scum, but we coped with that until Nathan cut his leg on a rusty shopping trolley that was lurking unseen under the water.

“Then a farmer walked by and said we’d better get out if we didn’t want Weil’s disease, and offered us a lift to A&E when he saw Nathan’s leg. We waited for four hours to be seen by which time I had the chronic shits, probably from E.coli.

“But still, nature. It’s just so wonderful.”