Why I am rejoining the Empire, by Darth Vader

A FEW months ago I tendered my resignation to Emperor Palpatine. 

At the time I had no regrets. As I said in my letter, the organisation was no longer interested in killing millions of people.

But today I am delighted to hear that the Empire is to merge with the Walt Disney Company. The opportunities for true evil are immense.

Therefore I have contacted Emperor Palpatine and Disney chairman Robert Iger and they have graciously welcomed me back as vice-president in charge of marketing and telekinetic murder. So let’s get to work.

Thanks to Disney’s unrivalled distribution channels and pan-galactic reach we will, together, be able to terrorise millions of planets.

The Death Star (never my title, I suggested ‘Fear Ball’) is only the tip of a massive genocidal iceberg.

Working with the team that created the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, we will construct a fleet of colourful, inter-stellar brigantines which will embark on thrilling adventures and bring smiles to the faces of billions of children, moments before they are vaporised.

The geniuses at Pixar will help us create a never-ending series of irresistible films that will hypnotise generation after generation into believing that the Emperor is the source of all happiness and that friendship is very important.

We will also draw on Disney’s glorious tradition of feature-length animation with the release of The Princess and the Million Terrified Voices.

Meanwhile, we will use the Death Star as the model for a new ‘family’ of theme parks where the Emperor’s happy, obedient subjects can have fun crushing rebel scum in a detention level garbage-masher. Only this time there will be no escape.

They can then stand silently for the four o’clock ‘Parade of the Stormtroopers’ as row upon row of shining warriors, bristling with laser-death, march in perfect synchronisation, reminding our cherished Disney Death Star guests that they are but slaves to the Dark Side.

And we also look forward to teaming up with Disney’s ESPN network to change the face of modern sport. I am pleased to announce that from next season winning teams will be given the power of telekinesis which they can then use to strangle their vanquished opponents to death. Trust me, after a couple of weeks you’ll be asking ‘why wasn’t it always like this?’.

And so all that is left for me to say is: Go and see Wreck it Ralph, in theatres from November 2nd.

Or die.


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