4G phones capable of everything

THERE is nothing 4G phones cannot do, it has emerged.

The incredible 4G network means that the phones can offer lightning fast download speeds as well as improving your sex life, picking winning lottery numbers and facilitating time travel.

4G boss Nathan Muir said: “Thanks to 4G, you can email friends while simultaneously teleporting to the office and increasing your penis size.

“It’s not as though you’ll need to work though, thanks to the ‘free money’ app.”

Builder Norman Steele said: “Yesterday I downloaded The Dark Knight Rises. It only took a nano-second, plus I was able to magically enter the film and actually become Batman in a fully realised fictional universe.

“Not bad for £36 a month.”

Trainee accountant Wayne Hayes said: “I was in the pub when my phone sprouted legs and started talking to an incredibly attractive woman.

“I don’t know what it said, but she insisted on going back to mine for mind-blowing sex. Perhaps she was impressed by the 0.25 second download time for web pages.”

However, some users believe certain 4G phone features – such as the ability to resurrect the dead – are too powerful for everyday use.

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “Yesterday I was thinking how much I missed my gran. The phone must have somehow read my thoughts and brought her back to life as a zombie.

“Not only is she all decomposed and horrible, but it’s going to cost me a fortune to put her in a home.”



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Banana-based society sounds fantastic, says everyone

A WORLD in which bananas are the main thing sounds absolutely brilliant, it has been agreed.

Completely wonderful new research suggests that climate change will lead to bananas replacing potatoes and bread as our staple diet and could actually be the ‘silver bullet’ which solves everything.

Martin Bishop, a banana fan from Hatfield, said: “People often ask me why I am so totally at ease with the world and I tell them it’s because I eat a load of bananas.

“It’s got very little to do with the nutritional value, it’s just such a brilliant word.

“Just before you take your first bite of a banana say the word ‘banana’ out loud. You will immediately feel a little bit better about everything.

“As will anyone who hears you say it.”

He added: “We should actually replace the words ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ with the word ‘banana’.”

As well as playing a key dietary role, experts have called for a three-thousand mile long inflatable banana to be placed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean so that the Earth greets alien visitors with a great big smile.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Also, holding a banana like a gun should be illegal. Bananas are about love.”

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: “Is there anything more enjoyable than peeling a perfectly ripe banana? I don’t believe in God, but when you look at a banana you just think ‘that must have been designed’.”

She added: “And of course they are absolutely teeming with raw sexuality.

“Banana! Banana! Banana!”