Why isn’t everyone excited about the new Star Wars film? By Martin Bishop

I PRACTICALLY jizzed with excitement when I discovered there’ll be a sequel to The Rise of Skywalker. More Rey! More Luke as a force ghost! Finally we’ll find out what happens to Babu Frik!

Naturally I started ringing round all my friends. ‘Rey’s back!’ I gasped. ‘She’s rebuilding the Jedi Order!’ They weren’t as excited as I’d expected, but it takes a while for massive news to sink in, like being told you’ve got to have a leg amputated.

But Lucy was damning. ‘They’re all dogshit now,’ she said. ‘I particularly hated the bit where Laura Dern blew up the First Order fleet. Did they not realise before then that the kinetic energy of the tiniest particle at hyperspace speed would vaporise anything? And why’s she got social justice warrior hair?’

‘That is a bit confusing,’ I admitted, as she went off on a surprisingly angry tangent about building spaceships underground being ‘really f**king stupid’.

Sorry, Luce, but you’re wrong. There’s no way a professional entertainment company responsible for classics like Snow White would destroy a franchise worth billions by putting out made-up-as-you-go-along stories you’d normally expect from a particularly stupid and annoying four-year-old. It just wouldn’t happen.

There are so many directions to go in after the last three films. Will Finn rekindle his romance with Rose Tico? That was like Han and Leia all over again, slightly. I think everyone fell in love with Rose a little bit. Well, I didn’t. But maybe someone did.

Will Palpatine come back from the dead again? It doesn’t seem as if there’s anything much stopping him. He could just keep dying and coming back indefinitely. That would be so exciting.

Plus there are all the new minor characters, like the hairy alien droidsmith Babu Frik, who looks a beaver with a skin disease. He’s like Baby Yoda, but nauseating.

And of course there’s Rey. Will she turn into Evil Sith Rey with pointed teeth? That was so mysterious. I mean, what the f**k was it even about? And now that force ghosts interacting with the physical world is canon, Kylo Ren could partially return now and then. He was whinier and more irritating than Anakin. That’s how good an actor Adam Driver is.

Anyway, I’d better get back on the phone. I’m trying to prebook my ticket before they sell out, although the woman at the multiplex said not to bother, there’ll be loads spare. What an idiot. I bet she hasn’t got a clue who Maz Kanata is.

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Man trying to convince people Fleshlight is perfectly normal like a vibrator

A MAN is endeavouring to convince people that having a Fleshlight is just as normal as a woman having a vibrator. 

Nathan Muir believes that owning a tube with fake labia attached to wank into is no weirder than a woman pleasuring herself with an intensely whirring pretend penis.

Muir said: “Women have a range of sex toys at their disposal and everyone thinks it’s empowering and liberating and all about enjoying your sexuality. But when I proudly tell people about Esmerelda, they look at me funny and change the subject.

“I’ve tried suggesting to the lads that we have Ann Summers-style parties at each other’s houses where we drink white wine and buy Fleshlights, but they’re not responding to my texts for some reason.

“Grazia and Cosmopolitan are full of reviews and pictures of sex toys, and tips on using them, so why isn’t Esquire? The ladies are completely unembarrassed by it all, and I really don’t see what the difference is.”

Muir’s friend Jack Browne said: “Any type of plastic genital replacement is pretty weird when you really think about it, but the main difference is that Nathan’s a massive creepy pervert.”