I PRACTICALLY jizzed with excitement when I discovered there’ll be a sequel to The Rise of Skywalker. More Rey! More Luke as a force ghost! Finally we’ll find out what happens to Babu Frik!
Naturally I started ringing round all my friends. ‘Rey’s back!’ I gasped. ‘She’s rebuilding the Jedi Order!’ They weren’t as excited as I’d expected, but it takes a while for massive news to sink in, like being told you’ve got to have a leg amputated.
But Lucy was damning. ‘They’re all dogshit now,’ she said. ‘I particularly hated the bit where Laura Dern blew up the First Order fleet. Did they not realise before then that the kinetic energy of the tiniest particle at hyperspace speed would vaporise anything? And why’s she got social justice warrior hair?’
‘That is a bit confusing,’ I admitted, as she went off on a surprisingly angry tangent about building spaceships underground being ‘really f**king stupid’.
Sorry, Luce, but you’re wrong. There’s no way a professional entertainment company responsible for classics like Snow White would destroy a franchise worth billions by putting out made-up-as-you-go-along stories you’d normally expect from a particularly stupid and annoying four-year-old. It just wouldn’t happen.
There are so many directions to go in after the last three films. Will Finn rekindle his romance with Rose Tico? That was like Han and Leia all over again, slightly. I think everyone fell in love with Rose a little bit. Well, I didn’t. But maybe someone did.
Will Palpatine come back from the dead again? It doesn’t seem as if there’s anything much stopping him. He could just keep dying and coming back indefinitely. That would be so exciting.
Plus there are all the new minor characters, like the hairy alien droidsmith Babu Frik, who looks a beaver with a skin disease. He’s like Baby Yoda, but nauseating.
And of course there’s Rey. Will she turn into Evil Sith Rey with pointed teeth? That was so mysterious. I mean, what the f**k was it even about? And now that force ghosts interacting with the physical world is canon, Kylo Ren could partially return now and then. He was whinier and more irritating than Anakin. That’s how good an actor Adam Driver is.
Anyway, I’d better get back on the phone. I’m trying to prebook my ticket before they sell out, although the woman at the multiplex said not to bother, there’ll be loads spare. What an idiot. I bet she hasn’t got a clue who Maz Kanata is.
