Will I Am blasted for making risotto during 'The Voice'

TALENT coach Will I Am has been upbraided by producers of BBC1’s The Voice after being filmed preparing a meal of prawn risotto during a live sing-off.

The Black Eye Peas producer shocked audiences of the Saturday evening singing competition when he was shown frying vegetables on a portable hob during a heartfelt rendition of the John Legend song Ordinary People.

A show insider said: “Having already spoken to Will about texting, making shopping lists and general indifference, we were less than pleased when he turned up on Saturday with a gas stove, utensils and two full Waitrose bags.

“While one of Sir Tom’s acts was performing the camera cut away to Will, who clearly had a chopping board on his lap and was slicing onions.

“Will’s dinner preparations continued into the judging segment, during which he was frying ingredients while periodically looking up and saying ‘You’re amazing man, your voice is like wow’ or ‘Popular music is never gonna be the same again’.”

Will I Am’s spokesman said: “Will is 1000% focused on his acts but he likes to inspire them by demonstrating how it’s possible to do a number of things at once and still be in the zone.

“He apologises if anyone found his behaviour distracting but when you’re making that kind of rice dish you have to keep stirring to get the consistency on point.”

Audience member Emma Bradford said: “At one point Will turned on a portable radio at low volume and was listening to a Radio 4 play while repeatedly tasting his meal and seasoning accordingly.

“I must admit it smelled pretty good. I think I saw him add some tarragon, which was an unusual touch.

“However he didn’t share his food with the audience. Just scoffed the lot, typical greedy American.”



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Putin unveils enormous middle digit

VLADIMIR Putin has erected a 100­ft bronze flipped finger in the middle of Red Square.

The Russian premier and bare­chested bear grappler unveiled the giant obscenity to celebrate another six years of listening very carefully to the will of the people before chuckling mirthlessly and tossing a few of them into a pit.

Putin said: “This gleaming swivel-digit will last for a thousand glorious years and be an inspiring beacon of up-­yours for fellow despots everywhere in what have been some difficult times for acting the totalitarian tit.

“I want the people of my country to know that wherever there is despair, wherever there is disagreement, wherever voices are heard to cry out ‘oh not this homicidal bald arsehole again, surely?’, I will be right behind them, giving them my almighty bird and having them detained indefinitely.”

Hundreds of protestors took to the streets of Moscow to demonstrate against Putin’s inauguration for ten minutes before being beaten up, arrested and detained in the new underground correction centre situated under the giant sculpture.

The jail, already dubbed ‘Fuck-You­lag’ can process 50 detainees an hour with an automated system asking prisoners if they know exactly who they’re screwing with, before administering electric shocks via a probe shaped like Putin’s extended finger.

Putin appeared unperturbed by the protests and enjoyed an inauguration dinner that featured amongst its guests Silvio Berlusconi, who was specifically invited to make Putin look more endearing.

He added “I want to give the people of Russia democracy, freedom, opportunity and unity – but not half as much as I want to give them this cold metal digit, which they can stick right in their ear.”