World’s lowest-paid DJ revealed

A 33-YEAR-OLD man has been revealed as the world’s lowest-paid DJ.

Tom Booker, from Reading, commands a fee of £4 to play ‘house, disco and a twist of classic garage’ in the function room of his local pub on alternate Fridays.

Booker, who DJs under the name of ‘Daddy T’, does not get a single free drink or snack and has to pay for his own taxi home.

He said: “I’d describe my lifestyle as extremely frugal. I’m on the dole so all my DJ work is cash-in-hand, although as there is so little cash going into my hand the benefits people don’t care about it, in fact they pity me.”

Booker’s night ‘Funky Friday’ attracts crowds of up to 14, consisting mainly of people who are walking through the room to find the toilet.

Booker added: “My DJing style is to take the dance floor on a music journey that begins with some killer 90s hip hop and then building the vibe through progressive house and trance to some timeless club anthems. Not that anybody gives a shit, they just want a late drink and to hassle me for Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre.

“I had dreams once.”

Landlord Wayne Hayes said: “DJ Daddy T is an example of how hard work and dedication can get you absolutely nowhere.”

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Hillary long, long dead

US PRESIDENTIAL candidate Hillary Clinton has confirmed that she originally died in 1994, and has returned many times since. 

The former First Lady, who died of pneumonia last week but will be resuming a full campaign schedule after a few days rest, admitted that she has passed away on average once a year for the last two decades.

She continued: “That first time, my goodness. Luckily the revivification fluids had endowed me with the strength to punch through the coffin lid and claw through six feet of earth, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

“Vampirism was lovely but incompatible with daylight work, and the zombie thing alienated voters who hate politicians talking about brains.

“Bill killed me in 2009 and got a priest in for a real exorcism, but I’d made a demonic bargain that meant that even though I spent an eternity being consumed by fire in Hell, I was in a new host body within the week.

“This time we caught it before my spirit had even fled my husk, so a new set of organs from Third World kids should see me through to November.

“I plan to be the first necro-American to be elected President. Reagan doesn’t count, he was already in office.”