Southern Britain goes all fancy and continental in heatwave

ONE day of unexpected hot weather has transformed Southern Britons into languid continental-style sensualists.

As temperatures soared to ‘quite nice’ across the region, the national character was altered to cigarette-fuelled insouciance with an intolerance for bad coffee and poorly-reasoned philosophical debate. 

Meteorologist Nikki Hollis said: “The Gulf Stream has shifted in such a way that much of Britain can now no longer sustain an indifference to opera or massively corrupt football teams.

“Climate change is altering how humans live in fundamental ways and in places like Essex, this means people reading books that aren’t biographies of footballers or gangsters for this first time in their lives.

“As temperatures peaked yesterday, a man in Margate was even seen writing poetry without being immediately assaulted.”

Hollis anticipates that people will return to their philistinism and frozen pizzas as temperatures cool but says that periods of sophistication could become annual occurrences.

Businesses will have to accommodate this change by offering two levels of service depending on whether customers are culturally-savvy world citizens or pin-eyed jaw-droopers who think Nigel Farage is in some way appealing.