Southern Britain goes all fancy and continental in heatwave

ONE day of unexpected hot weather has transformed Southern Britons into languid continental-style sensualists.

As temperatures soared to ‘quite nice’ across the region, the national character was altered to cigarette-fuelled insouciance with an intolerance for bad coffee and poorly-reasoned philosophical debate. 

Meteorologist Nikki Hollis said: “The Gulf Stream has shifted in such a way that much of Britain can now no longer sustain an indifference to opera or massively corrupt football teams.

“Climate change is altering how humans live in fundamental ways and in places like Essex, this means people reading books that aren’t biographies of footballers or gangsters for this first time in their lives.

“As temperatures peaked yesterday, a man in Margate was even seen writing poetry without being immediately assaulted.”

Hollis anticipates that people will return to their philistinism and frozen pizzas as temperatures cool but says that periods of sophistication could become annual occurrences.

Businesses will have to accommodate this change by offering two levels of service depending on whether customers are culturally-savvy world citizens or pin-eyed jaw-droopers who think Nigel Farage is in some way appealing.

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Keeping cannabis illegal ‘sends important message that you can ignore laws if you want’

THE government is keeping cannabis illegal to send a message that you can pick and choose which laws to obey, it has confirmed.

A Home Office spokesman said: “If you go to your nearest park right now, some teenagers are smoking a massive skunk bifter on the swings and everyone is walking their dogs around them.

“But legalising a drug already used by your friends, by politicians and by your own dear mum, would be a statement that the laws of this country actually have some meaning to its inhabitants and that they cannot be ignored with impunity. 

“There is also a risk that it would decrease the likelihood of young people moving on to crack and heroin use by signalling they are in some way more harmful. 

“No, the message sent by this government is that some laws are disregarded by the public, police and lawmakers alike and it’s up to you to decide which.”

He added: “Have you tried dabbing? All rappers do it. Apparently you get mashed.”