'Wouldn't it be great to get Boris back on the telly?' say dickhead TV producers

TWATS working in TV are creaming themselves at the prospect of Boris Johnson being free to boost ratings on their dreadful shows.

Shallow media bastards with no memory or moral compass believe Johnson’s contrived, shambling persona would draw in Saturday night audiences eager to see his fat face fill their TV screens, which sadly it would.

Tom Logan of Big Aardvark Productions said: “Brits love a bumbling posh chap. Look at the way he goofed the pandemic, causing tens of thousands of surplus deaths by not locking down soon enough. Pure Bertie Wooster.

“I’d like to see him get his own show. Tess Daly as co-host for a bit of glamour. Each week Boris would f**k up various things, like buying a rail ticket to Leek. You’d have to be mental not to watch that. It’s TV f**king gold.”

Jack Browne of Yah! Yah! Productions said: “I envisage a Bake Off clone with Boris presenting alongside Nadiya Hussain. They’d be the original odd couple – her a Muslim, him a casual racist. 

“She could bake something, he’d make some comment about letterboxes, and she’d say ‘Oh, Boris!’, or something. It’d be top bantz. And Boris could pretend not to know what basic kitchen items like a spoon were because he’s posh.

“It’d be better than Ed Balls and Michael Portillo rolled into one. He might become so popular as a TV personality he could relaunch his political career and become prime minister again. Wouldn’t that be brilliant?”

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Six sadistic things to ask a loyal Boris supporter

AFTER years of having to listen to smug, triumphant Tories, it’s only fair to get some payback. Here are some ‘interesting’ questions to ask Boris fans. 

So, did he get Brexit done then?

Brexit is the one thing many Boris supporters hold most dear. Reminding them it’s more doomed than ever is a bit cruel, like telling Charles Foster Kane, ‘You know that manky old sledge? I put it in the incinerator. Oh and I pissed on it first.’ But frankly they deserve it for inventing the world’s most annoying catchphrase: ‘We won. Get over it.’

Now he’s got time on his hands, will he be having a pint with you?

Boris fans wouldn’t shut up about this. Asking when it’s going to happen might make them confront the fact that Johnson would prefer not to to set foot in a regional pub full of plebeian scum without first having it disinfected and the regulars scrubbed down with stiff brooms and delousing powder. He prefers wine, too.

Still, he can depend on Carrie, right?

Not many people would like to bet money on this. It’s a bit underhand to bring his wife into it, but his opportunistic love life is a reminder that Johnson is a pathetic skirt-chaser out for himself. If you warm to this theme, also ask: ‘D’you remember that Jennifer Arcuri?’

Has he got someone else working on levelling up? 

Johnson considered a policy done if it got a good headline, or indeed any headline. In their heart of hearts, Tory voters know he didn’t give a shit about levelling up and there’s no way the lazy, detail-averse, self-centred twat would have put long-term plans in place for when he left. In short, they’ll really hate you posing this question. Good. 

Are you friends with a lot of sexual predators?

When they splutter ‘What?’ say ‘Oh it’s just that Boris didn’t seem bothered by that sex pest MP. I thought all Tories must be cool with it’. They still might not realise you’re taking the piss – they did vote for Boris, after all – and give you a hilariously impassioned speech about how they don’t agree with it, hanging’s too good for them, and they’re definitely not a paedo themselves.

At least we didn’t end up with Corbyn, eh?

Whatever your views on Corbyn, it’s hard to believe Britain would have been worse off under an earnest old socialist than Boris’s chaotic cronies. Unfortunately a Boris fan won’t see the irony and will genuinely agree it’s bloody lucky Corbyn didn’t get in, nationalise sausages and make everyone join the IRA.