It was your fault for voting for him, government tells public

FORMER members of the government have blamed the 14 million people who voted for Johnson for this mess, it has emerged.

Boris Johnson’s disastrous premiership has been laid at the feet of every idiot who helped to give him a whopping electoral mandate in 2019 by MPs who fully supported him until a couple of days ago.

Former chancellor Rishi Sunak said: “Under normal circumstances, a flurry of ministerial resignations would be enough to finish off a prime minister. But you had to hand him the biggest Conservative majority since the 1980s, didn’t you?

“Even if everyone had jumped ship earlier and there was just him, Nadine and Larry the cat left, he’d still have clung on to power because it’s the ‘will of the people’. Yes, I’m looking at you.

“We think he’s gone now, but I’m not ruling out him setting himself up as president and promising a thousand-year Reich. That will be entirely your fault.”

Ex-MP for East Hampshire Damian Hinds said: “My constituents say they voted for me, not the deluded, power-obsessed maniac leading the party. But that counts for nothing when a deluded, power-obsessed maniac is actually in charge of the country.

“We’ve finally managed to undo the ungodly mess you created. We even thought about bending the law to do a second vote of no confidence. Luckily it didn’t come to that, but don’t forget you owe us big time when the next election rolls around.”

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'Finally I am to deliver on the will of the people by f**king off'

AFTER three years of failing to stay true to my word, I am delighted to finally deliver on the will of the people by f**king off from frontline politics.

For a populist like myself, it’s important I do whatever people want me to – whether that’s getting Brexit done, levelling up the country, or going and not coming back because everyone’s sick to the back teeth of me.

That’s why I’m handing my notice in today. I know how to take a hint, and if you all want me to slink away forever and die in a corner then who am I to argue? You’re all wrong, you f**king nobodies, but that’s just my opinion. I am, as ever, your humble public servant.

At least I’ll be going out on a high. The death throes of my political career will surely come to be seen as its high point. As the old showbiz saying goes, you should always leave the audience wanting more. 

Even if I stayed on, nothing would be able to top the media circus of the last few days. For years now most of you have wanted to see the back of me, and I’m delighted to have met your expectations in the most spectacular way possible as my kingdom of twattery comes crashing down around me.

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, and you’re going to miss me when Raab or Truss or f**king Steve Barclay takes over. But if you really want me to resign and get a £420,000 payout in the process, I’m happy to oblige.