Writers, the sexiest and most incredible people in Hollywood, end strike

PEOPLE who write stuff, who are just about the coolest and most deserving demographic out there according to other people who write stuff, have ended their strike. 

The Writers’ Guild of America, who are all-round brilliant and gorgeous humans the righteousness of whose cause has never been doubted by the media, have reached an agreement with characteristic charm and elan.

Adonis-like scriptwriter Tom Booker said: “Sorry it took so long. I was so busy being applauded for standing up to shortsighted movie execs less visionary than me.

“Thanks everyone who backed our strike, including every single journalist out there who considers themselves to be basically like us except we get paid $400,000 a film.

“But don’t worry, while picketing and being on the right side of history, according to the writers of history, I was also busily working on sparkling dialogue in my head. You know, the best bit?”

Journalist and paragon of excellence Helen Archer said: “They’re writing and I’m writing about it and aren’t we all just heroes? What even was the movie studios’ position? Just Fast & Furious villain, right?

“Maybe they’ll turn my article into a movie. When those lazy acting twats get off their overpaid arses and get back to work.”

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'I have a very particular set of skills which I refuse to use in protest': Six classic movie lines adapted for striking firearms officers

FIREARMS officer for the Met police? Downed tools in protest at the threat of possible consequences? Favourite movie lines not quite fitting any more? Try these: 

‘I’m too old to be charged with murder or manslaughter for this shit’ 

Firearms officers do not consider themselves to be too old to continue doing the job they love, but they firmly believe they should be free of consequences. Hence their adaptation of this classic Lethal Weapon line to suit the injustice of their current circumstances.

‘I have a particular set of skills which I refuse to use in protest’ 

It’s not easy to know exactly when to shoulder your firearm, aim and fire before discovering it was the wrong man and he wasn’t armed. It takes years of training to develop that very particular set of skills of which London has now been deprived.

‘Do you feel lucky, punk? Because you very much are, congratulations’ 

Harry Callahan’s classic line is now delivered to psychopaths with a light, breezy, forgiving air, because police unwilling to risk being tried for unlawful shooting certainly aren’t going to risk their lives if said punk might have a gun.

‘Yippie-ki-yay and on your way, motherf**ker’ 

Combining Die Hard and Dixon of Dock Green, firearms officers miffed at the suggestion they might not have an unlimited licence to kill revert to being good old British bobbies, patting gang members on the head and bidding them safely home.

‘Say hello to my little friend, via Zoom’ 

Unable to bring the Heckler & Kochs they love out on patrol, bereft firearms officer are forced to show them to criminals via video calls to their secure locations. Both sides agree that a firefight would have been great and anyone shot by police would certainly deserve it.

‘In this world there’s two kinds of people, my friend: those with loaded guns and those who are backed by the home secretary when taking strike action after a murder.’ 

Adapting the classic quote from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly to reflect the current realities of Britain, firearms officer are confident they’ll soon be able to pack heat now Suella has intervened. While also warning her to drive carefully if she doesn’t want to catch a stray round.