You can't just steal stuff, claims judge

A HIGH Court judge yesterday claimed that you cannot just go around stealing other people’s property.

Experts said the landmark ruling by Mr Justice Arnold could now make theft illegal.

Ordering British internet providers to block the Pirate Bay file sharing site, the judge ruled that lots of people were just taking things that were not theirs and suggested that they would not like it if someone just took their things.

He added: “You know it’s wrong, so pack it in.”

But Julian Cook, professor of applied theft at Roehampton University, said: “Websites such as the Pirate Bay have such a huge range of content that there’s no way I can possibly know whether I made those films or recorded those songs.

“There are now so many films and songs that, statistically, it’s entirely possible that I own the copyright to at least five of them. Including Iron Man 2 and the latest Biffy Clyro album.

“But I have no problem with you downloading them for free because I’m not some faceless corporation.”

Professor Cook then sat impassively as three men came into his office and took his desk, his coffee machine and his Macbook. He eventually shouted ‘okay, that’s enough’ when they tried to remove his underpants.

Meanwhile, Mr Justice Arnold also ruled that anyone who tells you Pirate Bay is a beacon of freedom is a stupid little child.



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Clip reveals Hobbit to be a load of stupid shit for kids

CLIPS from The Hobbit have revealed that the film will be ludicrous, childish, and completely made-up.

Critics have focused on the stupid little characters with hairy feet, the wizard with the big beard who looks like Santa playing cricket, and Ye Olde England dialogue which makes everyone sound like they are waiters in an animatronic Disneyworld Stonehenge-themed restaurant.

Film critic Tom Booker said: “Remember those kids who played Dungeons & Dragons and spent every night pretending to be barbarian warriors and every lunchtime getting their faces rubbed in gravel?

“Well, this film is for them. It’s a stack of complete bullshit.”

He added: “I recommend all grown-ups to watch Game of Thrones on the telly instead, which is much the same but with loads of fucking.”

Emma Bradford, of Ain’t It Cool News, agreed: “Fans of hairy characters in leather walking through fields and forests should buckle up because there’s more on the way.

“Everyone else should go and watch a proper film with gunfights and car chases instead of swords and horses and dickhead names like Rivendell and Elrond.”

Hobbit director Peter Jackson said: “It looks fucking awful, doesn’t it?

“Don’t worry, we’re doing a special thing where we run the film at twice the speed so at least it’ll be over quickly.”