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'You're my lobster' and other quotes from TV shows people need to get the f**k over

THE unimaginative walk among us, still trotting out quotes from TV shows that ceased broadcast decades ago. These six scream ‘Jesus Christ, watch something else’: 

‘You’re my lobster’

It was fun the first time Phoebe Buffay suggested that Friends couple Ross and Rachel belong together. Like lobsters, who supposedly mate for life, not that you give a shit. But when you’ve seen it on enough wedding invitations and tea towels you find yourself fully behind boiling lobsters alive and would happily watch a livestream.

‘Bazinga!’

The Big Bang Theory refuses to die and has now spawned at least two spin-off shows. Even nerds hate it. But more unkillable than its TV presence is the demonic current that keeps people buying tote bags and stickers emblazoned with Sheldon Cooper’s meaningless, moronic catchphrase.

‘Computer says no’

Little Britain, for all its many, many faults – see any millennial’s social media for details – at least felt a bit edgy. Today, every shit-useless colleague who can’t find the Attachment button on Outlook thinks it’s an opportune moment to quote a 23-year-old sketch show instead of admitting they cannot use a computer and should retire.

‘Winter is coming’

You’d think that its dire finale would have killed off all Game of Thrones’s cultural capital as dead as Cersei Lannister, crushed by masonry RIP, but come autumn and you can’t go five minutes without someone solemnly intoning this as if it’s the most profound thing they’ve ever heard and not just how seasons work.

‘I’m Pickle Rick!’

The trajectory of Rick & Morty to fun cartoon to cult show dominated by audience of men who take online IQ tests and post them on LinkedIn was swift. These men all find Pickle Rick to be a line worthy of frequent quoting despite it not working in any context whatsoever.

‘I am the one who knocks.’

Sorry, Breaking Bad fans, but no you are not. It may hurt to hear it, but you’re a middle-aged man who works in office furniture sales. Male pattern baldness has given you a superficial resemblance to Walter White, but you are not ‘the danger’, even if your mouse mat says so.

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We visit the five least friendly towns in England to get told to f**k off

A NEW survey has ranked all England’s towns by friendliness. But is it accurate? We visit the five towns lowest on the list to get told to go f**k ourselves: 

Ashfield, Nottinghamshire

Beginning – where else? – in the Midlands, we were in this former mining community for an hour and a half before anyone even acknowledged us, despite sinking a pint and visiting a market stall. Rude, yes, but where’s the hostility in Lee Anderson’s seat? It took almost three hours before a dog-walker told us to f**k off back to f**king London.

Ipswich, Suffolk

Over to the east coast and the delightful port town of Ipswich, one of the oldest in the country with a reputation of hostility to outsiders going back to 616AD when King Raedwald was invited to ‘piss off back to Norway and tell Odin he’s a wanker’. And with such a storied reputation it doesn’t disappoint; we’re told to f**k off within a mere 23 minutes!

Mansfield, Nottinghamshire

Disappointingly, it’s back up to Ashfield’s neighbour for another dispiriting trudge around the arsehole of England where no-one even barks obscenities at strangers. But all is forgiven when, while admiring one of the town’s many failed regeneration projects, we’re ordered to ‘f**k off out of it’ and shoved into the road after just 36 minutes loitering.

Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire

The renowned Potteries shithole, famous for exposing foreign footballers as pansies who hate cold, wet, grimness, surely won’t let us down. But an hour wandering around its pathetic excuse for a town centre leaves us dispirited. Are these people too broken for a simple ‘f**k off’? Thankfully, daring order a half in The Market Tavern gets us what we want.

Barking and Dagenham, London

Finally we land in the unfriendliest town in Britain, coincidentally strongly behind Brexit just like all the others. And gratifyingly, within a record six minutes a shaven-headed man with a pit bull straining at its lead has instructed us to ‘get the f**k out of my f**king way’. Even better, he follows it up with a swift but thorough kicking. Barking, you are a worthy winner!

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