Zelda-playing teenager builds Hyrule's most monumental dick

A ZELDA-PLAYING 16-year-old has constructed a wood-and-stone fire-ejaculating penis that is the most impressive in all Hyrule.

James Bates got his copy of the game intending to free the land from the chaos of demon lord Ganondorf before instead spending countless hours using Ultrahand to construct enormous, terrifying war-machine cocks.

He said: “This is definitely the best Zelda yet. Not just because of the dicks, but mainly.

“There’s stuff I’m meant to be doing – sandstorms, blizzards, shit going down at Death Mountain – but after years honing my penile construction skills in Minecraft, I’m letting loose. I can’t get to Master Kohga and find none of my dicks are big enough.

“This one, which I call the Super Kaiju Dong, is made of tree trunks, steel, Guardian components and wheels to create a 90ft drivable penis tank with fire cannon. It’s a joy to tool around in.

“But I’m working on something truly spectacular. A membrum virile so vast, so unmatchably huge that it will link the three tiers of Hyrule and reunite the kingdom. I’d have finished it but my dad keeps nicking the Switch.”

Father Andrew Bates said: “He thinks those are dicks? He should log in using my account. Then he’d see dicks.”

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The best expensive items of outdoor gear to wear indoors

CLIMBING a mountain? No? Then why are you wearing a pair of ludicrously expensive bouldering trousers and a jacket more suited to Everest? Here’s the best outdoor clothing to wear like a ponce.

Bouldering trousers

Have you worn your painfully expensive Swedish climbing trousers to the pub in the hope that someone will ask you about your fascinating hobby? Unfortunately they’re a sort of reddish salmon colour, so people just think you’re a posh twat called Jasper and go out of their way to avoid you.

Hiking boots

Even if it’s raining a bit and there’s a small hill involved, there’s really no reason to wear hiking boots to go to Tesco to buy an onion. You look like a dickhead, and what’s even more annoying is that it takes f**king ages to unlace them when you get back, which holds up everyone’s dinner.

Fjällräven mountaineering jacket

You aren’t scaling Annapurna I any time soon, which means the only reason you bought this is so people know you have £400 spare to spunk on a fancy jacket. Unfortunately we live in a relatively mild climate so you only get the opportunity to wear it three days of the year and even then you’re sweating like a pig.

Merino wool buff

Your poor little neck gets cold when you’re out doing the Park Run, so you need a buff to keep it warm and snug while also wicking away moisture. The downside is that Neil Oliver has ruined buffs for everyone, so you look like a washed-up conspiracy theorist on GB News rather than a sporty hunk.

Cycling cleats and lycra

Look, if you want to go cycling in a load of stupid gear, then go for it. But don’t stop for a break and clatter into a cafe wearing your cycling cleats, causing everyone to turn and be faced with the clear outline of your elastane-clad knackers and a disturbing little nub that must be your penis. Stay outside, people might be eating sausages.

Dry robe

A dry robe is half a jacket and half a towel, designed for people to get changed easily after they’ve been wild swimming or surfing. But, as with many good things, they’ve been adopted by twats and turned into a fashion statement. You look like a toddler wearing your mum’s coat. Stop it.