Airlines Misled Public By Claiming Flights Would Not Be Filled With Bastards

AIRLINES have been accused of misleading the public after claiming short-haul flights would not be full to the brim with fat, slow, noisy bastards.

According to a report by the European Commission, airline websites failed to inform consumers that their travelling experience would be as enjoyable as falling face first into a big, stinking pile of shit.

The report found that the airlines did not tell customers that 'speedy-boarding' was a 'complete lie' and that passengers would 'crowd around the gate like a herd of fucknut sheep regardless of the letter on their boarding pass'.

They also failed to tell passengers that the advertised flght time did not include the mandatory 45 minutes on the tarmac because 'some twat put the wrong fucking bags on the wrong fucking plane' and that Gatwick Airport is the 'single worst fucking place in the whole fucking world'.

The report also found that no matter where your flight was to, there was always one Middle Eastern looking passenger on board, which meant you were 'shitting your pants for the entire journey while at the same time feeling very bad about it'.

"It could be a flight from Inverness to Exeter but there's always a guy who looks like he's just arrived from Riyadh," said one regular flyer.

"I'm sure he's a perfectly nice chap, but would it be too much hassle for him to go up and down the aisle telling everyone, 'it's okay, I'm not going to kill you'?"

The airline industry insisted it had made huge improvements including a reduction in the number of boarding pass checks to 452,943 and slashing the price of a small tub of Pringles to £12.50.


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Alcohol Is A Corrupting Influence On The Poor, Insists Ladies Temperance League

THE drinking of alcoholic liquer prevents the poor from carrying out their duties and if left unchecked will hasten the demise of the Empire, the Ladies Temperance League has warned.

The organisation, led by Mrs Eleanor Bentley of Dorking, has implored the Chancellor of the Exchequer to place a heavy burden of taxation upon gin, whisky, ale and porter at the time of his next annual budget.

Speaking to a packed meeting in Godalming town hall, Mrs Bentley said: "Our cherished England has become a truly wretched place, teeming with inebriation and unspeakable profanity. We have forsaken the Lord and his retribution shall be without mercy.

"Every day my ladies bring me new reports of Satan's corruption in the taverns and saloons of our grimy cities.

"Our once cheerful urchins now sway under the influence of rum, grow horns from their heads and feast on goat flesh at sunset.

"Last week I noticed the tell-tale watermarks of slovenliness on my dessert forks and when I confronted my kitchen maid I was assaulted by the stench of easy Spanish wine."

Mrs Bentley, the daughter of Admiral Sir Herbert Crundle of Witney, demanded the immediate removal of beer advertisements from the Daily Sketch and News Chronicle and condemned the editor of The Times for publishing an article about sherry.

The League is to join forces with other like-minded organisations including the Quakers, the Salvation Army and the Labour Party, with the goal of abolishing intoxicating beverages from our national life and restoring Great Britain on the path to righteousness.

God Save the King!