Airports to combine body searches with eating, shopping and the toilet

AIRPORTS are to minimise delays by searching your insides while you eat, shop and go to the lavatory.

In a bid to foil terrorists, air passengers will be ushered quickly into the departure lounge where they will experience a seamless internal examination while making full use of the airport’s facilities.

A Heathrow airport spokesman said: “You’ll be able to enjoy your pre-flight drink or snack while the busy fingers of our security staff go to town on your bottom.

“You’ll also be able to wander aimlessly through duty-free as normal. You’ll just have a colonoscope hanging out of you which is linked to an iPad using a bluetooth ‘dongle’.

“It’s all about making sure you don’t get bored.”

The spokesman added: “You probably don’t want tubes and fingers in you while you’re doing the toilet, so we’ll use that time to give you a full-body x-ray.

“Hopefully the machine won’t inadvertently irradiate your bladder, thereby turning you into a bomb.”

Air passenger Jane Thompson said: “Finally.”

 

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Queen destroys aircraft carrier

THE Queen has destroyed Britain’s newest aircraft carrier after hitting it with a bottle.

The monarch had planned to christen the Queen Elizabeth but moments after the bottle made contact, the £3 billion vessel shook violently and collapsed into a heap of twisted metal.

The Queen stood silently before the wreckage and then shook her head slowly and mumbled ‘what the fuck is wrong with this country?’.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “The ship builders forgot to use rivets. These things happen. It’s only money.”

A Downing Street spokesman added: “We’ll probably use the metal to make a enormous, baffling sculpture to be positioned on the outskirts of some northern hellhole in a bid to trick people into thinking it’s a nice place to live.”